Wendy Brandes

Don't Forget!

2008-02-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

This is just an emergency backup blog. My real blog is here!

Mizrahi, Oldham, Roth, Magic and Loony

2008-01-31T00:01:00.000-08:00

Back in the '90s, young designers Isaac Mizrahi, Todd Oldham and Christian Francis Roth were fashion stars. They were awesome. They didn't make enough money to stay in business, but they were awesome.

Mizrahi in a supermodel sandwich

I last wrote about these designing men in September, when Oldham was named creative director for Old Navy. Earlier this month, Mizrahi gave up his style-for-the-masses job at Target to give Liz Claiborne a makeover. These dudes are on the move, so where's Christian Francis Roth? He's the next guy who needs a big corporate job. Crayola needs to hire him! In 1990, he did a dress that looked like a box of crayons with "Rothola" on it. The crayon people got all lawyer-y on his ass till he agreed to pay them a few bucks. Personally, I think they missed a great marketing opportunity. They should have paid him to do a whole Rothola line AND they should have hired a pop star to sing the theme song: "Rothola, ola, ola, eh eh eh. Color with Rothola, ola ola ola." The singer also could have modeled the Rothola makeup line.

"I use Violet Blue on my eyes and Cotton Candy on my lips eh eh eh."

I still can't find a picture of the crayon dress on teh Interweb. About 11 years ago, the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute had it in an exhibit called "Wordrobe." Maybe I need to go prowl around the museum. At least I found this great film of a Christian Francis Roth show. Check out the top hats in the film!

Mary-Kate is bringing top hats back
Photo via Fashionista

This is on my mind because my gorgeous friend Alison invited me to an Old Navy party tonight. Sadly, Todd wasn't there. I wanted to ask him if he has any of his old stuff at home and, if so, would he feel like giving any of it to me as a belated birthday gift. What?! God helps those who help themselves. Just praying for this skirt has gotten me nowhere.

WendyB needs this vintage Todd Oldham skirt

The Old Navy party was thrown to introduce the company's new H&M/Topshop-ish fast-fashion strategy. They're going to have new stylin' styles every month, so you peeps who like to pounce on the inexpensive but happening looks will have another source. Of course, you could choose instead to put aside your monthly Old Navy allowance, save up for a couple of decades and buy a piece of Wendy Brandes jewelry. It's up to you. No pressure.

At the party, the Old Navy folks previewed their new ad campaign, which looked way sophisticated and fashionable. The question in my mind was: Where's Magic, Old Navy's canine mascot?

Magic wants some kibble

I asked Alison about this and she said Magic was "living on a farm" where he was "running around" and "happy." Yeah, that's what my parents said to me when I was three and they got rid of my turtle, Churchy La Femme. Turtles don't even run! I realized that yesterday. What kind of fool do those people take me for?

Anyway, I am teasing. I did not ask Alison about Magic and she did not tell me some shady story about a farm. She was being a good hostess and entertaining us with DJ AM and Natasha Bedingfield and giving us drinks with blueberries in them. But, while I am speaking of euthanasia -- people, there IS no damn farm -- I will tell you about my husband's cat Loony. When Paul was 12, his family moved from Connecticut to New Jersey. His parents packed the station wagon with three small boys and all their worldly goods. The last thing to pack was Loony the cat. Since Loony was a bit nuts, Dad had taken the cat to the vet to have him sedated for the trip. Well, apparently there was a bit of confusion about exactly what it meant to put Loony "to sleep" and the vet guessed wrong. Everyone cried all the way to New Jersey.

This is a random cat photo that has nothing to do with the story.

If that happened to me now, believe me, this would be no laughing matter. I would get all lawyer-y on everyone's ass and maybe kill a few bitches too. But since it happened to my husband half a century ago, I think it's highlarious. Todd Oldham and I are totally going to laugh about it when I'm at his house trying on old runway samples. I can't wait!

UPDATED TO ADD: Speak of the devil! Here's the lovely Alison quoted right at the top of this New York Times story on beauty blogs. Why no mention of fish-feet blogs, Alison? Hmmm?

I'm Back!!!!

2008-01-29T15:47:00.000-08:00

Go here!

Buh-Bye, Louboutin

2008-01-29T15:15:00.000-08:00

I ordered these Louboutins back in July, I think. Whenever they first appeared on Net-a-Porter. Imagine my surprise when they arrived today!

Of course, they don't fit. Now I have to send them back. It was easier to take the One Ring back to Mount Doom than it is to return something to Net-a-Porter. Wish me luck!

"Look at those shoes she posted up there, Sam."
"She's going to have to fight a Balrog to return those, Frodo."

Please Help Me!

2008-01-29T07:00:00.000-08:00

Click here to find out how.

Or just add your opinion to this thread. This is the only way to contact Blogger. Make sure you give them my URL: http://wbjewelry.blogspot.com.

Still Waiting...

2008-01-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

Still no news from Google about my regular blog. I'm frozen solid.

Meanwhile, I looked at E!online's Fashion Police feature for the first time in many months. Jebus! These people are tightly wound. Everything is either too crazy or too boring for them. Or the outfit would be perfect if only she wore different shoes, lost the jacket, had a more moderate turtleneck (really!), did her hair differently, had a tan, etc. Does anything please these people? How perfect do "the police" look themselves? This is the antithesis of my "wear what you want" philosophy about party fashion. You're going out for one night. It's not a lifelong commitment. You should feel happy about yourself and comfortable in your outfit. Then you'll have fun, and that's what counts. Don't worry about whether some judgmental lunatic might think your skin is too white or your heel a millimeter too low. Throw on your giant pink puffy coat-thing or a butt bow, have a glass of Champagne and enjoy yourself!

Lucy Liu loves her pink accordion thing, and that's okay.

Patti LuPone. I Heart Her.

2008-01-26T13:05:00.000-08:00

Patti LuPone in Evita back in the day

As I mentioned on my wrongly-blocked-by-Google blog, Patti LuPone is one of my obsessions. So today is a happy day, my peeps! I have tickets to see Patti (again) in Gypsy. The show has moved to Broadway! Get your tickets at telecharge.com. If you go, keep an eye out for me at the theater. I will be wearing a Patti LuPone t-shirt and have mascara'd tears of joy all over my face. I know what you're thinking. "But WendyB! The whole audience looks like that! How will I know which one is you?" Don't panic. It will be simple. Everyone else with that look will be a gay dude. Just look for the one lady in the crowd. That's me!

Patti as Mama Rose in Gypsy

Because this can never be seen too often, here is Patti LuPone on Will and Grace. Jack has been obsessing over cutting off a piece of Patti's hair, but he's trying to ignore her in an effort to be nice to Will for a change. Stand back, Buenos Aires! (DON'T BOTHER CLICKING; NBC IS VERY CRUEL AND KEEPS TAKING THIS PRICELESS CLIP OFF YOUTUBE.)

UPDATED TO ADD: I just found this wonderful video of Patti on the Merv Griffin show at the time she was in Evita. Now I am more in love with her than ever. She speaks very intelligently about Eva Peron. There was quite a lot of controversy over the play, as there was over Eva during her lifetime. I think Patti sums up Eva's situation very well: "she played the game the way it was being played" yet she was somehow considered to be more reprehensible than the men who created the power structure in the first place. Women traditionally have been demonized for behavior that in men is considered business-as-usual for a certain time and culture. I pointed this out in my post about Empress Wu.

Enough ranting. Behold the beauty of Patti LuPone in her red lipstick and slinky '70s outfit.

lolShoes

2008-01-25T15:59:00.000-08:00

Update on My Blog Blockage

2008-01-24T21:43:00.000-08:00

Check out this shizz!

Free Me!

2008-01-24T00:49:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned, my regular blog has been on lockdown since last week when Google falsely identified it as being a spam blog.

I was in the middle of writing the post that I will publish if/when my blog is unlocked when I got a delightful message from Moira, the brains (and beauty!) behind the amazing Dog Art Today blog. Her sister Sheila is the brains (and beauty!) behind the original Free Katie t-shirts as well as a supporter of free speech on teh Internets.

Sheila created these fabulous Free Wendy items in my honor. "Put yourself on display," as the kids like to say, in a comfortable and stylish Free Wendy thong!

But what I'm going to buy for my friends and family are Sheila's Google t-shirts.

Highlarious!

Go to freekatie.net to check out the rest of Sheila's damn funny designs and don't forget to say hi on her message board! Thank you, sisterladies!

I'm allowing comments here in case you want to tell Moira and Sheila how much they rock!

UPDATED TO ADD: Click here to praise Moira and Sheila to their faces!

Where in the World Is Wendy Brandes?

2008-01-22T15:07:00.000-08:00

My real blog is here.
My website is here.

Why am I not at my other blog? Because Google/Blogger's "robots" incorrectly identified my blog as spam and it takes four business days for some idiot to stagger into work and declare that my blog is legit. That's four business days from Jan. 18. Wish me luck!

I set up this page for myself so that I could migrate some important posts just in case. Mostly they are the book reviews, because those are the ones I really care about. The migrated posts all have their original posting date on them. You are welcome to comment on any of them ... but do it here. I haven't opened comments for this blog because I don't want to babysit comments in two places.

EDITED TO ADD: What an exciting day it is in the WendyB neighborhood. Gawker has finally noticed me and is amazed by my bosom! I figured this would happen soon, courtesy of some lurker from the WSJ most likely! Eben!!! Don't make me kick your ass. Anyway, anything that might help the jewelry business is good with me! Valentine's Day is coming up, folks. Get your sweetheart something special from Wendy Brandes Jewelry.

Mama Likey*

2008-01-19T23:21:00.001-08:00

Check these out on blaec.com.

*Apologies to Winona

Thursday Book Club: Empress Wu, Part II

2008-01-17T11:33:00.000-08:00

Welcome back to the increasingly erratic Thursday Book Club! In my last real Book Club post, I discussed Empress Wu, the only woman in the history of China to be called "emperor" during her lifetime. Since then, I've done a couple of fake Book Club post about Christopher Walken's ass and books I bought while drunk.

This is the perfect time to do a follow-up post on Empress Wu, because the rap group Wu-Tang Clan is playing New York's Hammerstein Ballroom this very night. Tickets are still available. Sadly, there is an eight-ticket limit per person. If you are a Chinese emperor who has a very large harem, you might not be able to buy tickets for all of your concubines under one credit card. Also, Chinese emperor, I regret to tell you that even though the Clan is named after a location in China famed for its martial arts, there are no actual Chinese people in the group.

No Chinese dudes here.
Just a bunch of guys who like kung-fu movies.

The Wu-Tang guys always have good names. Chinese emperors made up their names too, but no one ever came up with Emperor Ol' Dirty Bastard. ODB was one of the founding Wu-Tang members; he died of an overdose in 2004, two days before he turned 36. That's not old at all. He was more of a Young Dirty Bastard. Maybe that's why his other aliases included Big Baby Jesus. Anway, other original members of the group included RZA ("rizza"), GZA ("jizza"), Method Man and Masta Killa. If you want to find out what your Wu-Tang name is, go to the WuName Generator, enter your name and click "Wu am I?" I am "Sullen Choirboy."

"Ol' Dirty Bastard" was kind of a misnomer

Anyway, if you put all those Wu-Tang rappers together, they wouldn't be half as tough as Empress Wu. Empress, a novel by Shan Sa, does a good job of conveying Wu's kill-or-be-killed attitude. It includes one of the most famous stories about her. When the Emperor Taizong had a mean, wild horse that no one could tame, Wu, one of the lower-ranking concubines, offered to do it. All she needed was a whip, a hammer and a dagger. "First, I shall give him a lesson with the whip," she said. "If he disobeys me, I shall blow him on the head with the hammer. If he still rebels, I shall slit his throat." The Emperor was totally LOL over this, because that's exactly how he was dealing with some annoying ethnic groups that needed conquering.

Actress Li Li Hua played the title role in the 1963 movie Empress Wu

The novel has plenty of good sex scenes, which would no doubt delight Wu biographer Nigel Cawthorne, but it outdoes him in the girl-on-girl department. Or, rather, the concubine-on-concubine department. Hey, the ladies didn't get to see the emperor that often. They had to do something to while away the hours.

Li Li Hu as "Crazy Eyes" Wu

As delightful as the love scenes are, I much prefer the Wu we get after she outplays, outwits and outlasts two emperors and takes over personally. In a speech to the Forbidden City she says, "I am not afraid of treacherous, rebellious men." She goes on to name three rebels and list all their intimidating qualities. "Those three men were believed to be indomitable! When they tried to betray me, I cut off their heads." Suckas!

Another lady with crazy eyes

Empress is the kind of historical novel I really like. Wu's head-chopping habit is placed in the context of the societal and political challenges of her time, giving her justification without making her a misunderstood innocent. She's neither a sociopathic dragon lady nor a slandered sweetie-pie. At the end, when her spirit meditates on the centuries that have passed since her reign and on her own reputation, I had tears in my eyes. Wu really did request that her stele, or gravestone, be left blank. The fictional empress says, "Some see this lack of inscription as a symbol of my humility: I wanted to give men the opportunity to inscribe it with their blame or their praise. Others interpret it as an expression of overweening pride from a woman who became emperor: No one can comment on my destiny." I'm voting for option #2. No one should dare comment on her! Except for me. I would love to go visit her gravestone one day. Afterwards, all the world will marvel at the red-lipstick message that has appeared as if by magic on the blank tablet: KNEEL BEFORE WU.

The blank monument to Wu

Life Is Full of Disappointments

2008-01-13T09:37:00.000-08:00

I thought I had found the perfect replacement for fish feet: bat shoes!

Bat shoes by Miss Bunny on Etsy

Sadly, they're not available in my size.

Thanks to Ooh! Shiny! for bringing this to my attention.

Book Club: Shopping Under the Influence

2008-01-10T08:30:00.000-08:00

I was determined to get back into my royal lady book posts today, but I seem to have misplaced the Empress Wu novel that I was working on. Plus, I'm feeling a bit flu-ish, which has sapped me of the energy necessary to tear through the house on a mad search for Empress Wu, especially when I have a very bad feeling that I put that book in a "safe place."

Instead of Wu, I'm giving you the list of the books I ordered from Amazon a week ago while I was mildly intoxicated. I was surprised but generally pleased when they showed up. I admit to having no recollection as to why I was so interested in Clara Bow that night.

The Perfect Royal Mistress by Diane Haeger
Catherine the Great: Love, Sex and Power by Virginia Rounding
Clara Bow: Runnin' Wild by David Stenn
A Royal Affair: George III and His Scandalous Siblings by Stella Tillyard

Style icon and book subject Clara Bow

Separately, if you are searching for Mary Boleyn or Anne Boleyn, as so many of you are because of The Other Boleyn Girl, I have three Anne Boleyn posts:

If you're looking for an inexpensive Anne Boleyn initial necklace, you're out of luck. But if you want a luxurious 18k gold and diamond interpretation of an Anne Boleyn necklace, here it is:

Boleyn necklace in 18K yellow and rose gold and diamonds
© Wendy Brandes 2007-2008
(Photo by John Muggenborg)

I would consider doing it in less-expensive sterling silver plated with 18K gold for a custom order, but you wouldn't get any diamonds then, just the letter. Still, truth be told, my letter (the necklace is available in any letter, and all letters get a crown) is much more graceful than the original, which was quite clunky.

Anne Boleyn had to settle for clunky in the 1500s.
You don't!

Here's a photo of me wearing my Anne Boleyn necklace so you can get an idea of the size. Of the necklace, I mean, not of me!

From 2006

If you want to ask me about the necklace, you can contact me at wbjewelry at hotmail dot com.

Stay Away. 150 Yards Away.

2008-01-06T00:10:00.000-08:00

I need a restraining order, y'all.

I'm not just worried about whoever Googled "Wendy Brandes home address." (By the way, it is 123 Main Street, Noway, Nohow. The zip code is Get The Hell Out Of Here.)

I need a restraining order to keep Dr. Phil away from my favorite sticky-fingered client, Britney Spears.

I realize some of you may not have kept up on important news because of some boring shizz going down in Iowa. Briefly, Britney Spears was supposed to turn over her kids to her ex, she didn't do it, the police were called and Britney ended up being strapped to a stretcher and taken to the hospital by ambulance. All with the paparazzi clicking away, of course.

Britney caught in the act of running off with my Borgia ring last July

Now TV psychologist Dr. Phil, like MTV and Criss Angel before him, is hoping to get some press by convincing a very troubled lady to embarrass herself on television. Yep, he wants to do some kind of on-air intervention, and to make his pitch he trotted right over to the hospital to visit her. Have you noticed that "Dr. Phil" is just two letters away from "Dr. Evil"? She needs to be protected from Dr. Evil. He is not going to cure her of the crazy on camera. That needs to be handled in private by doctors who care about their patients more than their press clips.

I confess that I had some fun last summer telling you bitches how Britney stole my ring during a photo shoot and treated it to a topless lesbian pool romp. But as soon as the magazine paid me back and I stopped worrying about how to explain the incident to the insurance peeps ("I don't see a box on this form for 'pop-star theft.'"), I started worrying about Britney. I seriously think sistergirl is bipolar and that is no laughing matter.

I'd like to get all Linda Hamilton on Dr. Phil's ass

Needless to say, I'm not impressed by the Britney-hating geniuses who are taking time out of their busy lives to hit the blogs with classy comments like these (all real quotes and for mature audiences only):

"I am so fucking sick of this cunt! I really don't care if she lives or dies."
"I wish someone would smack the crap out of her!!!!!!!!"
"Fuck Britney– Let's all hope that she kills herself ASAP (Before she takes out someone innocent)!!!"
"Dumb fuckin' bitch. They should've kept her crazy ass in the looney bin. ... She's a fuckin' psycho."
"Good. She's one step closer to grave. I've never been so fucking disgusted with a human being in my entire life. I hope she gets into scat porn now where she belongs…eating shit."

That last one was posted by "Piper." What kind of person even comes up with an image like that? Congratulations, "Piper." Your mother would be so proud! By the way, "Piper," you might want to introduce your id to your superego sometime. I'm just saying!

As for you, my peeps, if you want to say something nasty about Britney in the comments here, you're welcome to do so under two conditions:

You can swear that you and everyone you know does not now, never has and never will have a mental illness or substance abuse problem that you would rather not see publicly mocked.
You are going to be so fucking funny that I fall off my chair laughing.

If you can't meet those requirements, I'm open to suggestions on how we can celebrity-nap Britney and take her to Creedmoor for real treatment and recuperation. Several members of the extended "B" family will be glad to keep her company there. For real. I should start hosting "B" family reunions in that place so people don't have to travel. Oh noes! Maybe the Creedmor relatives are the ones who have been Googling my address! Time to move again!

UPDATED TO ADD: This is funny and scat-porn-free.

Too Sick for the Sales

2007-12-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

I have a bad cold, so I'm not hitting the stores to check out the post-holiday sales. But I always have enough energy to browse online.

I like this asymmetrical top even though it's terrible for jewelry. A necklace is out of the question and earrings might be too. I try to avoid clothes that don't work with all types of jewelry but at least I could load up on rings and bracelets. Since it's not available in my size so it doesn't really matter. Just window shopping!

Top by Margarita Saplala from Style Scene via Notcouture.com

I love this vintage Sarmi dress from Vintageous, but it's a little too damaged for me. I've done the stained-vintage-dress look to death. It would be nice to have something without a big splotch on it for a change.

Front view

Back view

I'm crazy about this sequined dress by Antik Batik. I already got it in silver in a size medium, and I ordered the gold in a size small. I'll keep whichever one fits better. The medium dress is not as short as it looks in these photos.

I encountered horrible customer service when I ordered the silver from ASOS.com; the gold is coming from Net-a-Porter, with whom I previously had such a bad returns experience that I swore I'd never order from them again. So you can see I really like this dress to be willing to put up with the abuse!

As for shoes,I just did one of my periodic checks of Bluefly and eBay for fish feet in my size. No luck. It's starting to look like my scaly Louboutins may be "the ones that got away." Alas.

Yay for Korean Girls!

2007-12-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

This little girl will beat a bitch's ass.
Photo by Seokyong Lee for The New York Times, who hopefully won't get all copyright on my ass while I try to promote the story.

Check out the New York Times story called "South Korea, Where Boys Were King, Revalues Its Girls." This story caught my eye because it's about Korea, one of my obsessions. It's also good news for women. But what really intrigued me is the way it shows how patriarchal traditions damage a society and how people can benefit from casting off these dysfunctional, outdated behaviors. A little food for thought for anyone who is of the "it's always been this way/it's our culture" mindset.

It's Cold Out Today

2007-12-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

Brrr. Winter is here. You better wear a hat. I recommend this one.

Bearded hat via Kitsune Noir

More hats here (thanks to Carol at Paris Breakfasts).

UPDATED TO ADD: I don't know how I could do this post and not mention HATtastic!

Thursday Book Club: I'm Faking It!

2007-12-13T14:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm faking a Book Club post, but I've never faked it before. Really! I swear, it's not you, it's me. Don't take it personally.

Anyway, I finally did a post on Christopher Walken, but I feel he deserves one more since I think of him so often. I have complained before of the gimmicky "secret diary" format of a lot of historical fiction. I always think of Christopher Walken's scene in Pulp Fiction when I ponder how the "diary" might have survived. It must have been smuggled out of the palace up some jester's ass, right? I even quoted the Pulp Fiction scene here regarding the Secret Diary of Anne Boleyn.

But now I think you should see the whole scene in all its glory. To make this a Book Club post, just imagine Walken saying, "I had this uncomfortable notebook up my ass two years."

If I ever write my own "secret diary" book, I'm definitely doing a jester-ass-smuggling scene.

Thursday Book Club: Empress Wu, Part I

2007-12-06T00:56:00.000-08:00

First, my apologies to any reader who has recently visited this blog in search of Henry teh 8, caught up on teh Henry posts, and is now anxiously awaiting a post on Katherine Howard, teh fifth wife of Henry teh 8. I am postponing teh post on her once again, while I reread one of my books. In the meantime, here are all teh posts on Henry's first four wives.

According to Google Analytics, "Henry teh 8" has been the source of 79 visits in the past seven days. That's visits, not visitors, so I'm kinda wondering if it's just Jenn, repeatedly searching for Henry teh 8 to tease me. Come clean now, Jenn! All will be forgiven, you crazy kid!

Anyway, allow me to introduce Wu Zetian (625-705 AD), the only female emperor of China!

Wu will beat a bitch's ass, then sentence a bitch to die by a thousand tiny cuts.
Seriously.

Though she ruled under the name she chose for herself, Emperor Shensheng (I've seen it spelled numerous ways; don't get up my ass), she was known after her death as Empress Wu, so that's what I'm going with.

I wasn't planning to do a Wu post yet, but then I bought Nigel Cawthorne's biography, Daughter of Heaven: The True Story of the Only Woman to Become Emperor of China. Nigel's book is very, very special. I was in the airport when I got it, but even in the midst of PTSD (Post TSA Search Dementia) I said to myself, "Self, this is a relatively short book for a biography of a complicated lady like Empress Wu." That should have been the tip-off. Nigel's book is a rehash of the same old Wu tales: she was a power-hungry, ruthless, murdering dragon lady who was sexually insatiable till the end of her days. In other words, the kind of gal who is so much fun at happy hour! I love to shoot the shit with ruthless murdering sluts over a few Cosmos! Oh, how we laugh!

The Schaefer Yarn Company names yarns after memorable women!
Wu is top row, center.

I don't demand a revisionist history if the facts don't support it, but I don't like how women rulers get all these nasty adjectives thrown at them just because being a living god sometimes requires you to kill a relative or 20. The men do it all the time without being called bad names. For instance, Nigel casually drops this on page 6: "The second Sui Emperor Yang-ti came to the throne in 604 after assassinating his father and elder brother, la la la." Okay! I added the "la la la" but the rest is a quote. But Yang-ti's real crime was starting too many construction projects and straining the economy. No one was crying over dad and big brother. There are too many familial assassination stories spanning the centuries and the globe for me to even begin to list them. I'll just say that it seems to me that the women rulers wind up with much worse reputations than the men do. Except for Richard III of England. That bitch can't catch a break.

So what if Richard III killed his nephews?
It was just business. Nothing personal.
Also, they look annoying.

Nigel's book doesn't have any footnotes, but an impressive six out of 30 works listed in the "selected bibliography" are about ancient Chinese sex secrets. Any minors, please click here without reading further. You adults can read about Chapter 4, "The Art of the Bedroom," where we learn quite a lot about what might have happened between Wu and the Emperor T'ai-tsung, whose harem of concubines she joined at the age of 13 (a high honor). These imperial activities might have included (but are not limited to) the four basic positions, 24 variations, two extra positions, 10 indicators, six penile thrusts, eight valleys of the vagina, eight steps for ejaculation control, three peaks, four attainments, five desires and nine essences. I'm bad at math, so it is fortunate that I was not a Chinese concubine in the 7th century. My head was spinning so badly just from reading all those numbers that when I read "...playing the jade flute and drinking at the jade fountain" I thought, "Shizz! You had to learn an instrument before you could take a drink? That sucks!" Then I was all like, "She thought 'sucks,' heh heh heh!" and then I was all like, "Oh."

There were also 26 varieties of water, including melted frost, which sounds kind of delicious to me, or at least much better than the water from a pigs' trough. But that's besides the point, because my high school pre-calculus teacher told me I wasn't going to need math when I became a rock star.

Stay out of my trough, bitches!
Adorable custom-made pig toy available on Etsy.

Empress Wu, unlike me, was a math genius and after T'ai-tsung died, she snagged a concubine job with his son, Emperor Kao-tsung. And unlike someone else, she wisely popped out a boy child. (You know why royal ladies often had to give birth in front of a room full of people, right? Because anyone in her right mind would steal a boy if she could. Therefore, people had to be around to confirm that the child indeed emerged from the royal chimichanga.) Now that she had produced an heir, she could begin her rise to the top. So what if she had to get rid of a few people along the way? One of the inconvenient people was the official wife, Empress Wang (Wang! Heh heh heh). Nigel tells the story that is supposed to show that Wu was pure evil. When Wu had a baby girl she invited Wang over to see the baby. After Wang left, Wu supposedly killed her own child and blamed Wang. With that, Wang was out and Wu was named Empress. Nigel is damn sure this went down. Anne Boleyn's mythical sixth finger says, "Maybe not. A bunch of jealous dudes could have made that up."

Nigel is damn sure of a lot of things. He earnestly quotes a conversation two people had about Wu's sex life, as recorded "later" from what could only be a completely factual and well-researched book called "Secret Chronicles of Kung Ho Chien." This book, of course, is lost but fragments survive. In one fragment, someone says, "...the Empress rejected any whose jade stalk was 'all skin and sinew.'" I have several reactions to this:

What the hell would she think was in there? Bone? Gold? The important papers that I put in a "safe place" and never saw again?
Is it a jade stalk, stem or flute? Make up your minds, ancient Chinese people! I am already confused by the math!
I'm amazed that a conversation from a lost book that includes the sentence, "A woman's cinnabar grotto is lined with a delicate membrane" deserves direct quotes, which means someone said it for sure, we guarantee it, even though this conversation happened in the 7th century. I couldn't put what I said 30 minutes ago in quotes. I remember four things from my entire life that I could put in quotes. Two of them you might read in a magazine someday soon. The third is, "You're so pretty." I just forgot the fourth.

Well! This post is setting some kind of record for length and I haven't even gotten to the novel I want to talk about! I will have to save that for next week. I will conclude this by sharing a few more of my favorite quotes from Nigel's own writing. And Nigel, I tease you because I love you.

"...played a critical political roll...." (page 8)
"...men broke there own arms and legs..." (page 8)
"...incest was burnt..." (page 76)

Boob Bowz? LOLZ!

2007-12-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

My friend Jane suggested that since I successfully brought butt bows back, I should now tackle boob bows. Apparently, Anne Hathaway had a tough time with the boob bow sitch earlier this year.

Jane has a now-dormant blog called Boycott the Bag. It had many smart and funny ideas in it, but let's face it. I was in it for the bondage. You see, Jane has a Gucci bag that has been tied up, cooked, spiked with a high heel, threatened with a toilet flushing and sat upon. Purses and sadism? Sign me up! I contributed a photo of a Gucci being used as a dog bed.

I remain very amused by Jane and her blog. I am not as amused by the fact that if you Google my name, the Gucci dog bed post is always in the top 10, if not the top five, results. I don't mind sharing my perverted purse behavior with the world but I find this ranking very peculiar. It solidifies my conviction that Google's "algorithm" is about as real as "Al Gore rhythm." I'd believe that the Loch Ness monster is stank before I'd believe that Google has a system for rank. Face it, people! The system is that Amazon, the New York Times and CNN buy the top rankings and everyone else is scattered in there willy-nilly. Instead of working on their algorithm, the Google peeps spend all their time online searching for negative blog posts about their evil empire. Then they delete the blogs. You may never see me again! Goodbye, cruel world! Seriously, people, if I go missing, this man is the prime suspect!

P.S. The dog in the Gucci photo is a Pekingese. Yes, that is a CHINESE DOG! CHINESE DOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHINESE! DOG! (Bear with me. Peeps searching for Chinese dogs love to visit this blog. I want to make it worthwhile for them.) chinese dog chinese dog chinese dog chinese dog chinese dog chinese dog. #1 Chinese dog blog right here, people! Step right up to see the Chinese dogs!

Did you accidentally Google "Chinese dogs" when you really meant to Google "free vulva perfume"? Don't fret! Just click here.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

2007-12-03T00:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was exceptionally annoyed by this first-person essay in the New York Times (registration required). Every week, the Modern Love column grates like fingernails on a chalkboard. After reading it I usually beat my head against the wall for a few minutes and feel much better. In the case of "My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood," I'm worried that the prolonged head-beating required would be bad for the wall.

"Please Hammer, don't hurt me!"

Twenty-some years ago, the author, Kelly Valen, was raped at a fraternity party. As a result, she has a deep distrust of ... women. Yes, women! She's fine with men because the rapist was blackballed from his fraternity. "The men in my drama acknowledged wrongdoing, apologized, showed remorse. Punishment, however minor, was meted out," she says.

In the 14th century, punishments were bit more severe.

What really hurt Kelly was not the rape or the slap on the wrist that the rapist got. The worst part was when her sorority sisters blamed her for the rape and, she says, bringing "shame upon them all." Of the guys, she says, "To be sure, their violence and misogynistic rituals stole my innocence and triggered the demons of shame and repression that shackle me still. Yet their actions, however crude and criminal, ultimately hurt me far less than the judgments, connivance and betrayal of women." Eventually, she says, the sorority expelled her on a trumped-up charge of bad dancing (seriously!).

As another Animal House character said, "You fucked up! You trusted us!"

Her description of the sorority sisters' behavior is loathsome, but not surprising to those of us who don't care for Greek life. I'm sure some of you peeps had fabulous sorority experiences. If you found the perfect sisterhood, made friends for life and have lots of sorority-related charity work under your belt, I'm thrilled. I don't deny that it's possible, so don't get up my ass. But the dark side of Greek life, and of any organizations that deemphasize individual rights in favor of the "common good," is groupthink, hazing and the exclusion of outsiders, rebels and accidental troublemakers. Feel free to reread Lord of the Flies.

"Maybe there is a beast....maybe it's only us."

Anyway, what really got me in Kelly's essay was this passage, "...I’ve found my fears about women’s covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated: the gossip, the comparisons, the withering critiques of career and mothering choices. We women swim in shark-infested waters of our own design. Often we don’t have a clue where we stand with one another — socially, as mothers, as colleagues — because we’re at once allies and foes."

Dr. Melfi might have an opening.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. First of all, get some therapy! Secondly, open your eyes and you will find that men too are "at once allies and foes." Women and men are good and bad! You know, human! That's why it's best to judge people as individuals rather than as genders, races, religions, nationalities, etc. And how obtuse do you have to be to write "I’ve found my fears about women’s covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated" and not recognize it as a self-fulfilling prophecy? Why should I do anything to make your life easier when you're hostile, distrustful and unappreciative? If you hate me on principle, do you think I'm going to give you advice and support? The essay itself fulfills the prophecy. As sorry as I am for what Kelly went through, I don't like her. Why should I? She isn't kindly disposed towards me.

Q: "Does my unresolved trauma affect my relationships?"
A: "You may rely on it."

It's not like I haven't experienced undermining and backstabbing. As some of you may remember, my business partner died of secret breast cancer. She also withheld the names of manufacturers and vendors that were key to the business. Luckily, after her death, both men and women offered me contacts that helped me keep the business going. I would especially like to thank the talented Thomas Kurilla and the beautiful and brilliant Elizabeth Morton, who both came to my rescue. I would also like to thank the Academy, Marty Scorsese and my hairdresser. I love you guys! Oh, shizz, wrong speech! Anyway, I recently passed along some vendor names to another jewelry designer. A female jewelry designer. Yes, a woman who could be considered my competitor. And she gave me some great info in return. Positive things can happen but you have to be willing to help your good fortune along.

And getting back to Kelly, here's food for thought: she has three daughters. Good luck, little womyns! You'll need it!

WendyB Called; She Wants Her Look Back

2007-12-01T00:47:00.000-08:00

Penelope Cruz! The style phone is ringing for you! How dare you attempt a lolWendy bow on your gown?

Penelope Cruz

lolWendy

kthxbai!

More Shoes in the News

2007-11-29T00:09:00.000-08:00

While in L.A., I found these Pierre Hardy shoes on sale at Neiman Marcus.

Festive!

A 37 was too small. A 38 was too big. Apparently, one 37.5 exists in the universe and the store is sending it to me. I'm very particular about how shoes fit, so I suspect I will be returning this pair. I am definitely not going to sacrifice comfort for non-fish feet shoes. But let's hope for the best!

I get very annoyed by unpredictability of shoe sizes. I typically fall in between a 36.5 and a 37. Basically, I need a 36.75. I'm ashamed to say that this has led to a certain amount of pouting in shoe departments.

Thursday Book Club will be posted later today, I hope. I'm a bit behind with life in general due to traveling and a cold, and I wouldn't want to do a disservice to a queen with a sloppy report.

UPDATED TO ADD: When I was doing a search for a picture of the shoes, I got this fabulous Google ad:

The Gold Shoes Outlet
"I can't believe I ever shopped
for Gold Shoes elsewhere" C.J.

Thanks, C.J.! Now I know where to go for gold shoes in the future. Why didn't you speak up sooner?

A Kiss Is Just a Kiss

2007-11-27T01:59:00.000-08:00

Google must think I'm an expert kisser, since recent blog traffic came from:

Dogs can kiss girls
She made me kiss her ass
how to tell woman that you want to kiss her
girl making me kiss her ass

I worry about the person who Googled, "why do i always feel like something's missing in my life." I feel that way too, sad person, because I am beginning to fear I will have to live out my years without the pleasure of fish feet.

In the News/On the Blogs

2007-11-19T00:02:00.000-08:00

I enjoyed this piece by the Washington Post's Pulitzer-Prize-winning fashion critic, Robin Givhan (registration required), though I disagree with the constantly reinforced notion that everyone, "in the boardroom, in politics, in suburban neighborhoods," is feeling unbearable daily pressure to meet some Hollywood standard of physical perfection.

Barbie is a popular scapegoat.

I live in New York. Every day, I see happy people of all shapes, sizes, ages and colors (I said they're happy, not friendly!), but relatively few human Barbies. Most people I know want to look the best that they can (people have always wanted to look attractive) and some of them will take advantage of all the new ways of achieving this.

But I think that the phenomenon of comparing yourself to a doll, model, actress or the most popular girl in school is most common among pre-teens and teenagers. That was true 25 and 50 years ago too. Hormones make you crazy. That's why you're able to spend two hours a day doing your hair for eight years, and 25 years later, if it takes you five minutes, that's too long. A lot of people grow out of comparing themselves to specific celebrities or models after that self-conscious phase ends. Of course, there ARE people who never grow out of it, but the causes of their psychological issues go far beyond exposure to reality show makeovers and attractive models on billboards.

Yes, this is a picture of me as a teenager. It took me at least an hour to do that hair. I was all Tony Manero about it.

I do agree with Givhan's comments on the hypocrisy of people's opinions on beauty. Basically, I'm tired of blame-deflecting. It's accepted that the "media" are guilty of over-emphasizing appearance, but all over teh Interweb, you see regular people unleashing more vicious criticism than any magazine would. I am sure that Vogue, or Star for that matter, has never said someone should "just DIE!!!" for flaunting her chimichanga region in her too-short dress, but people feel free to say it online. And forget getting older in the age of blogs. As Givhan says, "Most people in the public sphere do something, Botox to boot camp, to fend off the effects of time. They are encouraged and expected to take action. If they don't, they will be judged harshly. But they must take care not to let the effort show -- don't reveal any hairline scars or improbable perkiness. Otherwise, our judgment will be even harsher." A lot of people speculate about Nicole Kidman's face, but as far as I know, she's only been called "Granny Freeze" outside the "mainstream media."

Nicole Kidman in Margot at the Wedding. She's very good but writer/director Noah Baumbach's family issues are seriously disturbing.

I'm also weary of the people who are most savvy about the use of Photoshop screeching that they're being victimized by big, bad magazines whenever a "before" photo is found. Would they prefer that magazine covers look like they were shot by the DMV? Do we need to go back through old Hollywood movies and eliminate the lighting that made everyone gorgeous? I also detect too much glee in the way the editorials are shocked ... SHOCKED!!!! ... by the fact that Redbook hid Faith Hill's wrinkles; everyone has far too much fun pointing out the fact that she has 'em.

My personal philosophies are:

Do whatever you want with your damn face/hair/body. I'm not saying I'll like it, but why should you care what I think?
If you're going to have surgery for ANY reason, whether it's for droopy eyelids or lung cancer, find the expert in the field!

Now for good blog reading.

I love to read about people visiting New York. Welcome to town, Speedo and Valley Girl.
Confessions of a Bottle Blonde is 100% hilarious, but the Blogging 101 post is particularly brilliant.
This is just cool.

UPDATED TO ADD: The L.A. Times has a great story on my husband's new project (registration may be required). Isn't it annoying how the most outrageously biased people are constantly accusing everyone else of being biased? If you didn't think Rush Limbaugh was an asshat, his quote should convince you. And I'm not crazy about the jackhole from Slate either. But I think this story makes it perfectly clear that the people funding this project are committed to nonpartisan journalism. My husband would never work with them otherwise!

ALSO: The Wall Street Journal has a whole section on 50 Women to Watch in business, plus a good column by Carol Hymowitz on women helping other women in the work place. I like this paragraph: "The 'queen bee syndrome' -- the belief that ambitious women strive for the most powerful position in the workplace while excluding all rivals -- is outdated, executives say. Equally outdated is the notion that women can't have both powerful jobs and fulfilling personal lives." Told ya.

Thursday Book Club: Stop That! Stop That!

2007-11-15T00:49:00.000-08:00

If you seen the Monty Python musical Spamalot, you'll know there's a character who yells, "Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! No more bloody singing!" If you haven't seen the play, well...I just told you what the line was, so now you know! I wouldn't want anyone to feel left out.

Spamalot is based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Behold! The Killer Bunny scene!

I mention Spamalot not just because I love any excuse watch a clip of Monty Python's scene (above) with "the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on." But also because, I, Queen WendyB the First, Protector of the Fashion/Royal History Blog Realm (a small realm but quite fearsome when provoked), feel like screaming, "Stop that! Stop that! No more bloody historical fiction!"

Anne Boleyn's sister has created a monster.

I feel the success of The Other Boleyn Girl (Girl With a Pearl Earring can share the blame) has led to an excess of historical novels. I usually buy my books on Amazon, but I had to kill some time in a Barnes & Noble the other day. Within five minutes, I discovered Mademoiselle Boleyn by Robin Maxwell, author of the fair-to-middling The Secret Diary of Anne Boleyn; The Secret Life of Josephine by Carolly Erickson, author of the fair-to-middling The Hidden Diary of Marie Antoinette; and The Queen's Handmaiden, about Elizabeth I, which resorts to ye olde "as told by a faithful servant" plot. Then there was Mozart's Sister by Rita Charbonnier, which shouldn't be confused with two earlier books: Mozart's Sister by Nancy Moser and Mozart's Sister by A.M. Bauld. Finally, there was Pilate's Wife by Antoinette May, which should not be confused with the Pilates Method, an exercise that models and actresses practice between cigarettes and starvation.

Pilate's wife did Pilate, not Pilates.
Thank you to Jus Rhythm Pilates for the image.

Whoops! I almost forgot the nonfiction Elizabeth and Leicester by Sarah Gristwood and the reissued 1990 novel The Reluctant Queen by Jean Plaidy (I bought the Plaidy book).

Richard III
The Reluctant Queen is about his wife, Anne

I've previously bemoaned the outbreak of "secret" diaries and journals, all apparently smuggled out of prison up some obliging jester's ass after the queen du jour goes off to her execution. Why can't people just tell a story? Why does it have to be a secret, ass-stored autobiography? The faithful female servant's story can be just as trite. I've read several that were so vague about the details of life at the time the action takes place that they practically seem set in modern times, but with more horses and fewer cars and cell phones. Plus, the servants' tales are almost guaranteed to foist upon the helpless reader a romantic subplot with an incredibly handsome, chivalric, emotionally supportive, comfortable-but-not-rich and exceptionally boring knight who will sweep the servant off her feet and away from the dreadful, dangerous court.

Nefertiti

Then, thanks to the Misses Boleyn, we have the sister plots. Nefertiti is a good example of this. It's like The Other Boleyn Girl just up and moved to ancient Egypt. Nefertiti plays Anne, the bratty, beautiful and brainy girl, pimped out by a scheming male relative to a crazy royal husband. Younger sister Mutnodjmet plays "the other girl," though in this case she's a strangely college-educated-sounding adolescent midwife who is, yes, swept off her feet by a handsome, chivalric, emotionally supportive and exceptionally boring soldier who has saved up for a rainy day. Thanks to his astute financial planning, Soulja Boy can afford to take Mutnodjmet away from the dreadful, dangerous court.

The point of this rant is to let you know that as I continue writing about queens, I may not mention every book that is out there. I will be too busy writing my own. Here's how I'm going to pitch it to Judith Regan: beautiful, brainy and bratty queen, who is the sister of a noted composer, forces her younger sister into servitude that involves carrying the queen's diaries up her ass. What do you think? Movie deal or miniseries?

Author, Author

2007-11-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

Brawling, boozing, bragging and child-begetting author Norman Mailer died on Saturday at the age of 84. Strangely, on Friday I'd been musing about the time my now-husband won dinner with Mailer at a charity auction. Mailer was already having health problems then; as I recall, he was using two canes. He looked cute and harmless but I was wary of his reputation for sexism. As a precaution, I told him that if he gave me any trouble, I'd spank him. After that, we spent a pleasant evening discussing our mutual love of pugs.

Norman Mailer, photographed by Doug Elbinger

Random pug photo

Mailer's wife, Norris, was charming. She shared some amusing stories about the many times people asked her if her husband had stabbed her. He didn't stab her! He stabbed an earlier wife. Get your wives straight, people. My condolences to Norris.

I did take a break from the pug topic to ask Mailer about my favorite work of his, The Executioner's Song, which is about real-life murderer Gary Gilmore. I asked him if he'd read a book called Shot in the Heart by Gilmore's much younger brother (he hadn't). I highly recommend both books. Shot in the Heart does make me smirk a little, though not because of the writing. You see, Gilmore's brother changed the spelling of his name. Makes sense, right? One might not want to be associated with one's murdering, executed brother. Except he changed his FIRST name, not his last. His name is Mikal Gilmore, formerly Michael Gilmore. I think this is hilarious.

Now that I've mentioned the Gilmores, I will also say that one of my all-time favorite songs is Gary Gilmore's Eyes by British punk band The Adverts. One of the things that made The Adverts awesome was that they had a woman on bass: the punkishly stylish Gaye Advert.

Gaye Advert
Photo from Detour Records

A while ago, I was considering doing a big Music Hum post on The Adverts. I abandoned the idea because, as far as I can tell from my Googling efforts, Gaye completely dropped out of the music business and spends her time supporting partner (and former Adverts vocalist) TV Smith's career and being a passionate vegetarian. Now, I firmly believe that (1) people should do whatever the fuck they want with their lives and (2) it's better to be a has-been than a never-was. Despite those two beliefs, something about Gaye's story depresses me. Hopefully it doesn't depress her! As long as she's happy, it's all good. But she still doesn't get the big post, just a tip of my beret.

Another woman I've been meaning to mention is 88-years-young author Doris Lessing, who won the Nobel Prize in Literature last month.

Doris Lessing

She is the eleventh woman to win the literature prize since 1901. According to nobelprize.org, only 34 women have won a Nobel Prize in any category. The other 743 winners were men. So it's especially fabulous that Lessing won, since she has been a feminist icon since the publication of her 1962 novel, The Golden Notebook. As the New York Times reported, "In its citation, the Swedish Academy said: 'The burgeoning feminist movement saw it as a pioneering work, and it belongs to the handful of books that informed the 20th-century view of the male-female relationship.'" I will still give Lessing her feminist props even though a few years ago, she complained that women are now pushing men around too much. Frankly, on my planet, that isn't true and the fact that she said this kind of makes me want to cut her. To calm myself, I will take a moment to caress my copies of Backlash and Sisterhood Is Powerful. Be right back.

Okay, I'm back. Just as a reminder, feminism is defined in the dictionary as "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes." It says nothing about biological equality, which we all know is impossible because men are cursed with an organ that makes them act like idiots. There are no rules against wearing lipstick and a bra, getting married or having children, though I firmly believe that people should be forced to earn some kind of license before they're allowed to have kids because I have encountered too many screaming brats, usually in the row behind me on JetBlue. As I said above, a feminist like me says, "Do whatever the fuck you want with your life," unless you are Gaye Advert, in which case I will find your choices inexplicably depressing. I guess I just feel leather pants, heavy eyeliner and guitars are worthy of a lifelong commitment. Let us all take a moment to admire committed rocker badass Joan Jett.

Joan Jett
Still kicking ass and taking names.

Anyway, The Golden Notebook was never my favorite Lessing work. I prefer her first novel, The Grass Is Singing. All you sex-ay bitches need to read it! Or I'll give Joan Jett your names! I bet Joan puts my ass-beatings to shame, so I'm going to outsource some of them to her.

Fascinating, radically feminist, and possibly inactive blog of the day: I Blame the Patriarchy. This blog will cut you if you mess with it.

Thursday Book Club: Caroline Mathilde

2007-11-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Ah, the double standard. When kings fool around, all is right in the world. When queens fool around, it's treason. Why treason? Because if a queen gets pregnant by a man who is not her husband, a child who is not of pure royal blood could wind up on the throne. In effect, that partly non-royal person would usurp the throne. Wouldn't it be terrible to have a usurper when you should by law have an inbred royal idiot ruling the country?

By idiot, I don't mean someone who is merely unqualified for the throne. That's a given (hello, Edward II)! The problem was that in addition to ordinary incompetence, inbred royals managed to produce an impressive variety of mental and physical deformities.

This sketch of Marie Antoinette on her way to the guillotine shows her Habsburg jaw.

For instance, the House of Habsburg was blessed with what became known as the Habsburg jaw, a condition in which the lower jaw outgrows the upper jaw, creating a chin that is like Jay Leno's times 10. Sometimes it wasn't too bad. Marie Antoinette of the Austrian Hapsburg bloodline had a relatively minor case, unlike the 17th century's Carlos II of Spain, who was the product of a family that liked to wed uncles to nieces. Classy! Wikipedia nails the Carlos description, so I'll quote: "Charles II was the last of the Spanish Habsburg dynasty, physically disabled, mentally retarded and disfigured ... His tongue was so large that his speech could barely be understood, and he frequently drooled." But he was royal! Therefore he was still qualified to be king, even if mom had to do all the work for him.

Carlos II, in what is probably a flattering portrait.

You might wonder whether a fellow like Carlos had trouble finding his soulmate. Don't be silly! Carlos married twice. Queen Maria Luisa got really depressed and died in ten years. Second wife Princess Maria Anna of Neuberg probably wasn't any happier. But so what? "Princesses are born to be exiled," says Princess Caroline Matilda's mother in The Lost Queen, a historical novel by Norah Lofts. Princesses were political pawns, sent off to marry their relatives in order to seal deals between nations.

Princess Caroline Matilda, or Caroline Mathilde, as she became known, was the sister of Great Britain's King George III. George, of American Revolution fame, had some serious inherited health issues of his own. I won't get into that here, but I recommend watching The Madness of King George.

Caroline Mathilde
Via Wikipedia

I have to admit that I don't see the hot here.

In 1766, George sent 15-year-old Caroline to Denmark to become the wife of her cousin, Christian VII. The Danes did their best to hide the fact that their king was mentally ill, probably with schizophrenia. He was intellectually slow as a child, and his tutor tried to beat some smarts into him, which made matters worse. By the time he got married, Christian was variously catatonic, manic and paranoid. During his energetic moments, he would bang his head against a wall and injure himself in other ways.

Christian VII
What do you think? Does he have crazy eyes?

With the king mentally indisposed, whichever noble or general was in power at the time could influence Christian in his own favor. His stepmother Juliana was notoriously manipulative as well. But everyone still had to show some respect for Christian. After all, he was the rightful king. Therefore his whims were humored, including his devotion to his personal physician, a German named Johann Friedrich Struensee, who joined the royal household in 1769.

No, really, I think Christian has crazy eyes. I'm noticing similarities here.
Photo of Heather Mills going batshit from GMTV via the Daily Mail

Against all odds, Caroline Mathilde had managed to do her job and produce a son. But Christian wasn't husband-of-the-year material, and she and Struensee fell madly in love. What makes this more than your run-of-the-mill love affair is that Struensee had unusual ambitions. He was an intellectual and a reformer. Struensee felt that what was rotten in the state of Denmark was, in fact, the state of Denmark. Christian happily handed over power to his doctor friend, thereby freeing up his kingly schedule to accommodate more playdates with dogs, pageboys and whores. Struensee happily issued hundreds of decrees in Christian's name: ending censorship of the press, building hospitals, outlawing capital punishment for theft and banning torture. Terrible! I know! Shoplifters should be persecuted!

I was looking for a "Shoplifters will be persecuted" sign but I found this instead.

Admittedly, Struensee's enlightened ideas were handled in a stupid way. He hated the nobles who were benefiting from the brutal feudal system under which they kept large numbers of their countrymen as slaves. So he shut them out and ruled all by himself, with no allies except the crazy king and the doting queen. Yes, back to Caroline Mathilde at last. Not only had Struensee annoyed everyone by forcing freedoms on them in a dictatorial way, he had committed the worse sin of all. A sin worse than ending torture and reducing executions! (Think about it, people, there was no TV or Internets then. What was everyone going to do for fun?) The worst sin of all was sleeping with the queen. Then she had a daughter, who was officially recognized as Christian's child, but let's face it, the day little Louise Augusta was conceived, Christian was probably busy hitting himself over the head with a teapot and throwing his schnauzer out the window.

Struensee

Does he look like he's smelling something rotten in Denmark? Because I'm feeling that.

It was all getting to be too much to bear, and Christian was forced to sign an arrest warrant for Struensee in 1772. He didn't really know what he was doing. He probably looked at the paper and said, "What a pretty schnauzer!" Anyway, you know how these stories end. Struensee had his hand cut off, then his head, then they chopped him up into four pieces. Pretty civilized when you think of Hugh le Despenser, no? They took Caroline's kids away, gave her a divorce and sent her out of the country to die at an incredibly young age. The only person who lived to a semi-respectable age (according to the standards of the day) was Christian, who died in 1808 at 59. I don't know if there were any schnauzers with him at the end.

I've already mentioned The Lost Queen by Norah Lofts. That's a good, solid historical romance. A more artsy novel is The Royal Physician's Visit by Per Olov Enquist. When I first read it, I found it rather cold and flat, but I reread it after the Lofts book and appreciated it much more. Caroline Mathilde is much more charismatic in the Enquist book. The two books complement each other well. I haven't yet read the non-fiction A Royal Affair: George III and His Scandalous Siblings, but I definitely will.

Whatever you do, don't read the Wikipedia entry on Struensee. It's been tagged for "lack of neutrality" but no one has fixed it yet. It's the worst historical entry that I've come across on Wikipedia so far. Here is a quote. I am not making this up: "The dictator's manners were even worse than his morals, He habitually adopted a tone of insulting superiority, all the more irritating as coming from an ill-informed foreigner; and sometimes he seemed deliberately to go out of his way to shock the most sacred feelings of the respectable people." I will now quote my own reaction after I read that: "What. The. Fuck?!?"

I will soon get back to the wives of Henry teh 8, so we can all enjoy more treasonous adultery with Katherine Howard.

The Fame Clock Is Ticking

2007-11-05T00:04:00.000-08:00

If you think Andy Warhol's line, "Everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes" is overused, you're not alone.

Andy Warhol and Sylvia Miles in 1972
Photo source

In 1979, Warhol himself said, "I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is, "In fifteen minutes everybody will be famous.'"

I will now present my most recent claim to fame.

The very boss Kristopher Dukes asked me to compile a wish list for ThisNext. Here it is. As you will see, I'm trying to take my case for fish feet to a wider public. While I worked on my list, I Googled "fish shoes" once again and found these elegant goldfish-heel men's shoes on PimpCostumes.com.

While this was not exactly what I was looking for, I felt gratified that I had finally found the place where Ice-T and Coco do all their shopping.

A fairytale romance

I need to meet these two. I know Coco and I will be able to bond while talking about custom-made ass jewelry.

You think your life would be changed by fame, but I just found out that I was chosen for "15 minutes of fame" on Iqons on October 22 and never knew. Clearly I need to log on to that site more often, but it's so hard to keep up with the blog, everyone else's blogs, all the social networking sites, etc. I know, I know...famous people like me shouldn't complain about the little inconveniences of celebrity.

Someone who didn't miss her 15 minutes of fame was Warhol superstar and drag queen Candy Darling. Rhiannon posted about Candy on Friday. I have My Face for the World to See, published in 1992 by a friend of Candy's. It is a mix of Candy's writings, drawings and photos presented as a girlie pink diary complete with lock and key. You can find the book on Amazon and eBay. Here are some photos of my copy. Click the images to supersize them.

This book made me sick. Literally. It was so musty-smelling that I had an allergy attack. It also wasn't the most edifying literary experience I ever had, but great for Warhol-maniacs.

Thursday Book Club: Anne of Cleves

2007-10-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am going to prove to you that Anne of Cleves was a damn genius.

Anne was the fourth wife of Henry VIII, or Henry teh 8, as we've come to know him. Did you know that in the '60s, the English group Herman's Hermits had a hit song called, "I'm Henry the 8th, I Am"? If you've ever seen the Demi Moore-Patrick Swayze movie, Ghost, you'll remember the song. Patrick Swayze, the ghost, sang it to Whoopi Goldberg's character until she gave in to his demands. I warn you that when these lyrics get stuck in your head for a week or two, you might want to cross over to the other side yourself. I'm pretty sure this song violates the Geneva Conventions. That said, this YouTube video made me laugh my head off, as my friend Anne Boleyn likes to say.

Okay, back to business! For those who are new here, Henry VIII had six wives and the way to keep track of them is with this mnemonic: "Divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived." Anne of Cleves, or AnneC, as I'll call her, is Divorced #2. If you'd like to review the previous three wives, here are the old posts:

Divorced #1: Katherine of Aragon
Beheaded #1: Anne of Boleyn, volumes I, II and III
Died: Jane Seymour

As I said in my Jane Seymour post, Jane gave Henry the male heir he always wanted in 1537. Unfortunately, Prince Edward wasn't a particularly healthy little boy and it's always good to have a spare. Breaking his pattern of overlapping wives, Henry waited a few years before looking for the next lucky lady but ultimately, a king's gotta do what a king's gotta do, and a wife had to be found. His advisers were eager to find a princess from another country, both to cement an allegiance with said country and because the families of home-grown queens tended to get all uppity.

Henry VIII action figure.
There should definitely be a line of "crazy tyrant" toys, don't you think?

In the 16th century, people just couldn't set up a Webcam, have sex with a stranger and share it with the world like we do now. It was a lot more difficult to figure out who was easy on the eye and fun in bed back then. Henry's peeps did their best, sending painter Hans Holbein to do the portraits of various noble ladies. Henry's reputation wasn't the best at this point. Supposedly, the highly desirable 16-year-old Christina of Denmark told the English ambassador that she'd marry Henry only if she had a spare head. Oh, snap!

Christina of Denmark by Hans Holbein

Holbein also went to the Duchy of Cleves (in what is now Germany and the Netherlands) to paint our heroine, AnneC. The consensus was that she was kinda pretty. Henry had his doubts, because unlike his sophisticated and sexy second wife, AnneB, AnneC had no formal education and no interest in music, which was one of Henry's passions. She spoke only German. But Henry's chancellor, Thomas Cromwell, liked the politics of Cleves and its potential as an ally abroad, so he urged Henry on. He was all like, "Seriously, dude, she is hottt!"

"Am I hot or not?"
AnneC by Holbein

So, the deal was done and AnneC set off for England. Henry decided to surprise her by meeting her in the town of Rochester on New Year's Day in 1540. This was a bad idea. By this time, Henry had become the guy we all know and have a love/hate relationship with: the obese king clutching a greasy turkey leg. In his youth, however, he was quite the looker. Fair haired, tall, built, unbeatable at tennis and jousting ... he was the catch of Europe. "Bluff Prince Hal," he was called (that was a good thing). He loved masquerades and would dress up as a Turk or a robber and "invade" parties. Since he was always the tallest man in the room, he fooled no one, but the court played along. Katherine of Aragon would pretend to swoon, Henry would whip off the mask and everyone would applaud because he was so just so cute and also he would kill them if they didn't clap. Henry still thought of himself as that dashing prince of long ago, so he expected AnneC would be thrilled when he arrived unannounced and presented himself for her adoration. He thought wrong. In her historical novel The Boleyn Inheritance, author Philippa Gregory (The Other Boleyn Girl), envisions old Henry strolling in disguised as a regular guy and planting a big kiss on AnneC who then ... turns her head and spits. In the novel My Lady of Cleves, Margaret Campbell Barnes presents a more civilized encounter: their eyes meet across a crowded room and both are deeply disappointed.

Another portrait of AnneC
From tudorhistory.org

Henry, who was probably the far less attractive one of the pair, made a big deal about AnneC's looks behind her back. He said she was pockmarked, called her a Flanders mare and said he wouldn't marry her. Cromwell convinced him and the wedding took place on January 6, 1540. Apparently, it took place in a drive-through chapel in Vegas because the ring was barely on AnneC's finger when Henry started planning the annulment. Among his many complaints: her saggy boobs made him impotent.

My Cleves necklace design was inspired by the name of the home of the Dukes of Cleves: Schwanenberg. In English, it is "Swan Castle."

Now I will prove AnneC was a damn genius. After a lot of behind the scenes drama -- Henry couldn't insult Cleves by sending Anne back but didn't want to keep her -- Henry offered Anne a deal. She would get lots of money and the respect due to a top lady in the land as long as she agreed to divorce him while remaining in England as his "dear sister" and never remarrying. Anne's response was: "WHERE DO I SIGN?" This, my friends, is smarts. If a mercurial 16th-century wife-murderer ever offers you a sweet deal like this, my advice is to take it. Sure, you can stick to your guns and lose your house and custody of your child like Katherine of Aragon. You can refuse to compromise until it's too late and lose your head like Anne Boleyn. You can get a boob job to make him happy, have a baby and die of medical malpractice like Jane Seymour. Okay, Jane didn't get a boob job, but the rest is true. Or you can be a happy virgin, outlive your ex by 10 years and spend all your money on gorgeous clothes, fine dining and gambling. If the right choice isn't obvious, I really fear for your sanity.

If you're wavering, don't think for a second that Henry had turned into King Nice Guy. Some bad boys can't be tamed. Remember Thomas Cromwell, the guy who was so psyched for the Cleves marriage? Henry had him executed, specifically for his role in arranging the marriage. Again, Anne of Cleves = damn genius.

Anne doesn't have a lot of literature devoted to her, but you can read about her in any of the nonfiction books on Henry's wives. And I've already thrown in mentions to two novels but here they are again:

The Boleyn Inheritance by Philippa Gregory. This novel is about AnneC; AnneB's sister-in-law Jane Rochford; and Beheaded Wife #2, Katherine Howard. I'll get more into this book when I do Katherine Howard.
My Lady of Cleves by Margaret Campbell Barnes. Written in 1946, it does a good job of capturing the tenuousness of Anne's position before her fate was decided.

Tune in next Thursday for another Book Club post!

Why Does Buyer's Guilt Focus on Fashion?

2007-10-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

The short answer: sexism, my friends!

If you have very little patience or time, you can stop here. Otherwise, you may continue.

The long, meandering answer starts momentarily. If you would like to use the restroom, you might want to do it now. I'll wait.

Take your time.

Okay! Welcome back! As I've read more fashion blogs, I notice some bloggers agonizing about their buying habits. I think there is some legitimacy to this due to the trend for disposable fashion from chains like H&M, Zara and Topshop.

"H&M is that way."

I admit that I walked into an H&M exactly once and walked out, because if I wanted to visit a zoo, I'd go to the one in Central Park. They have penguins there and a bored polar bear named Gus. I went into Topshop twice and wondered where all the good stuff was. I assumed all the smart Conde Nast editors had gotten there first and taken everything worth having. But the chains seemed like a great idea and I was impressed that so many stylish people (Agathe should be the house H&M model) put together amazing looks from these stores for very little money. I never realized that the clothes can literally fall apart. I thought it was more figurative: "This stuff is so cheap that if I get tired of it, I can throw it out! Ha ha!" But lately, I am learning that even if you want to wear these clothes forever, that may not be an option.

My '70s Ossie Clark maxi-dress has staying power.
A few of its outings in (from left to right) 2005, 2007 and 2004

Maybe I'm a throwback to another century and or just uniquely crazy, but I spend a lot of time analyzing how long things are going to last. Ask my husband, who has waited in many, many stores while I work myself into a tearful, semi-hysterical state trying to figure out if the very nice dress he is willing to buy me is going to last one year, two years, five years or 10 years. I once worried aloud whether a skirt might be too short to wear when I was 45. At the time, 45 was 10 years away. As you can tell, my husband is a man of incredible, nay, supernatural patience.

The 16th century locket ring of Elizabeth I, shown closed.

When I design jewelry, my hope is that in 50 years, girls might come across something in their grandmothers' jewelry boxes that they are desperate to have. Then a mysterious spate of granny deaths arises. Kidding! Do not hurt your grandmother! I'm sure she will let you borrow her skull locket. And why shouldn't she have a skull locket or snake earrings? Memento mori pieces have been around for centuries (read more about memento mori on In Your Fashion), while snakes have been a jewelry theme since antiquity. I am inspired by ancient designs precisely because of their longevity. If Queen Elizabeth I's locket ring still looks fantastic after 500 years, why shouldn't something that references that ring look good in another 500 years?

Elizabeth's ring opens to show her portrait alongside that of her mother, Anne Boleyn

So maybe you SHOULD reconsider your purchasing habits if you're buying tons of clothes in strange-feeling fabrics with itchy seams that self-destruct at the end of the season. I'm not saying you have to! If you're happy with your wardrobe, good for you. But if you're worried about consumption, start buying for quality instead of quantity. For instance, this $50 Temperley dress for Target looks gorgeous, but after reading all of its bad reviews, I wouldn't pay even $1 for it. (You also might want to check out the negative reviews of the Mizrahi for Target cashmere sweaters before you spend $50 on one of those.) Also, check out Wardrobe Oxygen's thoughts on this issue.

This Temperley dress for Target is like a Monet -- best seen from afar.
Go to LibertyLondonGirl for more on Temperley at Target.

I know a lot of people have ecological and ethical concerns as well. Use your heads here, my smart peeps! If you're buying something new (not thrifted) for an insanely low price ... how much do you think the people who are making it get paid? The retail price of an item is probably, at minimum, 2.25x the wholesale price. The wholesale price should be at least 2x the cost. Do the math. And it doesn't make sense to try to save the environment by using a fluorescent light bulb if you're pinching pennies so hard that everything you buy is made in China, the great polluter.

A polluted lake in China turned fluorescent green with algae.
Photo by Chang W. Lee for the New York Times

Now for an inspiring tale of what can happen when you invest in quality items. In 1994 or 1995, I nervously spent $300 on a pair of Prada shoes. That was really expensive back then! If I found a pair of Prada heels for $300 now, I'd think I had died and gone to heaven. But then I was in agony over it. Well, guess what? I wore those shoes twice last week. TWELVE YEARS, people! Those are 12-year-old shoes. Think about what you might spend at H&M in 12 years. For that matter, what are you spending there in one year? If you cut back there, maybe you can invest in something that lasts. After all, if you like to buy vintage clothes, why not grow your own once in a while? Here's a purchased vintage/homegrown vintage combo:

The neon Stephen Sprouse jacket on the left is from the '80s. I bought it on eBay and wore it with crazy boots I bought (new) nine years ago.

Speaking of shoes, ones that "don't go with anything" and aren't "practical" or "everyday" can be a smart purchase. Maybe you'll only wear them a few times a year, but they'll make a big impact every time and they'll last forever. My mother got these studly boots back in the day. They're probably older than the typical fashion blogger. She gave them to me a few years ago, and I knew I'd wear them eventually. Click on the photo to see the details.

Left boot: "Let's go to Studio 54!"
Right boot: "You embarrass me. I'm going to pretend we're not related."
Bracelets: "Quiet down there!"

Thus ends my essay on disposable fashion.

On to sexism!

I'm always annoyed at how a fashion is incorrectly perceived as a woman's topic, and therefore trivialized and criticized. We're told we should feel bad about it even though men can pour their money into technology and sports-related consumerism guilt-free. Yet, food, clothing and shelter are the most basic of human needs. Do you see the iPhone on that list of basic needs? No. You could survive without an iPhone. Steve Jobs would find that impossible to believe, but between you and me, he's a little nuts. On the other hand, unless you live in the Brazilian rain forest, you can't do without clothes. And even the rain forest tribes like to have a stylish bowl hairdo and maybe some body paint, as I noticed while reading an issue of National Geographic recently.

Gold cloth was reserved for Louis XIV and his favorites.

In addition to being a basic human need for both genders, clothes are also one of the few ways you can make a statement about who you are without even speaking. Your job, your politics, your taste in music -- all of that can be communicated through your clothes. But fashion has always had social, political and economic meanings beyond "I'm a Williamsburg hipster!" In the past, male rulers were extremely aware of this. Henry VIII always dressed to kill. Literally. If you aggravated him, he'd kill you (but not personally, because that would mess up his outfit). Henry VIII and France's Louis XIV were just two of many rulers who regulated what clothes their subjects could wear. And, don't think for a second that the monarchy had a monopoly on strict fashion etiquette. During China's Cultural Revolution you could be arrested for wearing jeans or having long hair (the hair rule applied to women too), while during French Revolution, you could be guillotined for not wearing red, white and blue with the mandated enthusiasm. In fact, I've noticed that revolutionaries are often more severe thought police and fashion police than the governments they overthrow.

This book on Marie Antoinette explores the politics of fashion.

Next time you're fussing with your hair, you might consider the political statement that can be made by grooming. The anti-royalists of the English Civil War of the 1600s were known as the Roundheads due to the close-cropped hairstyle worn by some of the Puritans, while the king's supporters wore their hair in long ringlets. Interestingly, in the 1960s, long hair became the anti-establishment choice while close-cropped hair was -- well, it was still the preferred style for Puritans. Some things don't change! Of course, appearances can be deceiving. According to this 1994 photo, I am a Puritan.

Short hair, round head, no dancing = Puritan

I can assure you, I am not now nor have I ever been a Puritan. (Also, I did not have sexual relations with that woman and I am not a crook.)

I could go on forever with examples of the major role fashion has played in society, but I think I've given you enough ammunition. Next time people criticize your love of fashion, lecture them on the English Civil War, the French Revolution and Mao until they beg for mercy. And if it's a man who is doing the criticizing, agree that consumerism is out of control and you see one good way of cutting down on unnecessary spending: ban football.

UPDATED TO ADD: It's always nice to see people agreeing on this.

Thursday Book Club: Jane Seymour

2007-10-19T00:54:00.000-07:00

Thursday book club is back. Yes, I know it's Friday! Give me a break, I had a bad day yesterday. Also making a return appearance: the six wives of Henry VIII, or Henry teh 8 as the Googlers like to say. The mnemonic device for Henry's wives is "Divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived." So far I've done Divorced #1 and Beheaded #1. If you'd like to catch up, here are the previous posts.

Katherine of Aragon (divorced)
Anne Boleyn (beheaded), post #1
Anne Boleyn, post #2
Anne Boleyn, post #3

Now we're ready for Jane Seymour.

Jane Seymour aka Dr. Quinn, dancing medicine woman

No, not the Jane Seymour of Dancing With the Stars! Henry's third wife. The one who died.

Jane Seymour portrait via Wikipedia

Henry, being a class act, became engaged to the somewhat mousy Jane on May 20, 1536, one day after the execution of his second wife, the alluring and tempestuous Anne Boleyn, on trumped-up charges of incest, adultery and witchcraft. He and Jane married after a suitable mourning period of 10 days. Jane had beaten Anne at her own game. Just as Anne had served as a lady-in-waiting to Katherine, so had Jane served Anne. Just as Anne had enticed Henry by denying him, Jane too played hard to get until the king became determined to marry her. Unfortunately for Jane, she failed to quit while she was ahead, so to speak, because just as Anne's wedding to the volatile Henry marked her as not long for this world, so did Jane's.

Jane's brother Thomas Seymour was executed in 1549. The future Elizabeth I noted, "Today died a man of much wit, and very little judgment."

Historians seem to lean towards seeing Jane as a pawn of her ambitious brothers Edward and Thomas, and the anti-Boleyn political faction, rather than as someone in control of her own destiny. But I think she was capable of coming up with performance art such as her refusal of Henry's gift of gold lest it tarnish her honor; after all, she'd studied under an expert.

Unlike Anne, Jane did her job as a royal wife and produced the longed-for male heir, Edward, in October 1537. She went out on a high note by dying two weeks later and thereby guaranteeing Henry would always remember her quite fondly. The consolation value of Henry's kind postmortem thoughts is debatable, but he did have her painted into a lovely family portrait eight years after her death. If that isn't romance, I don't know what is.

Click to enlarge the imaginary family get-together.
Via tudorhistory.org

Poor Jane hasn't really gotten a lot of book action. As far as literary legacies, it's better to live fast, die young and leave a beautiful headless corpse than to merely die young. Of course, Jane has her place in the books on all six of the wives. In addition, she's the focus of the historical novel Plain Jane by Laurien Gardner. I was simultaneously entertained and annoyed by this book. While it's generally agreed that Jane wasn't cover girl material, she wasn't hideous to look at, and Gardner has Jane constantly worried about her terrible looks. I think it would be more realistic for a lady of the time to obsess about her lack of dowry rather than the length of her eyelashes. Marriage among the upper class was all about money anyway.

Also, we all have our tics, both in the physical and the writing world. We twirl our hair and overuse words. In a picturesque combination of the two tic varieties, Gardner has Jane gulping when she's nervous. The words "Jane swallowed" appear often enough to make me wonder if whether the action was taking place in a palace or a brothel.

"This week's guest star: Jane Seymour!"

Still, the book gives Jane a back story and moves along well. By the way, the baby prince that Jane sacrificed herself for grew up to be a right royal pain in the ass who died quite young. And, as we all know, after all of Henry's marital and reproductive shenanigans, it was Anne Boleyn's daughter who grew up to be the beloved and long-reigning Queen Elizabeth I.

Next Thursday (really!), we'll meet Henry's fourth wife (and my recent favorite), Anne of Cleves.

All the News That's Fit to Print

2007-10-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

The New York Times has a nice story on my husband's new project. Here are two paragraphs from the story.

Paul E. Steiger, who was the top editor of The Wall Street Journal for 16 years, and a pair of wealthy Californians are assembling a group of investigative journalists who will give away their work to media outlets.

The nonprofit group, called Pro Publica, will pitch each project to a newspaper or magazine (and occasionally to other media) where the group hopes the work will make the strongest impression. The plan is to do long-term projects, uncovering misdeeds in government, business and organizations.

To celebrate, here is a totally random picture of my husband and me.

In 2004

Don't forget to read the whole story here.

Here are some other good stories on his Pro Publica project:

And remember, children, you're not truly important until some paranoid asshats hate you before you've even done anything. I like how this blog perceives the Macarthur Foundation (the "genius grant" group) as a scary leftist organization:

American Thinker

Speaking of the New York Times, no one there has responded to the extremely stern email I sent them them last week after they mentioned William the Conquerer in a story about ... squirrels. I know! Why did they even have to go there?!

"I don't know nuttin' about history."

This squirrel story insulted one of my favorite queens, Isabella, by writing her out of history. I recently posted about her because I designed a necklace in her honor.

Isabella Necklace © Gigi Caron Ltd. 2007
Photo by SquareMoose

Here is my letter.

Dear Editor,
It is incorrect to say that William the Conqueror was "the last successful invader of England" in 1066 (Squirrel Wars, October 7), although that is the conventional wisdom. Isabella of France, the estranged wife of Edward II of England, and Roger Mortimer successfully invaded England with a small army in 1326. They forced Edward II to abdicate the following year and ruled the country for three years as co-regents for Edward III, the son of Isabella and Edward II. When Edward III attained his majority in 1330, he overthrew the regency and executed Mortimer.

While Isabella was connected to England through her marriage and Mortimer was an English-born noble, the two of them met in France, obtained assistance from Count William of Hainault, and formed an army largely composed of Flemish, German and Bohemian mercenaries (see Alison Weir's book Queen Isabella: Treachery, Adultery, and Murder in Medieval England). This was clearly an invasion, not a civil uprising.

I knew you'd all be as outraged as I was. Seriously, what is the ish? Why doesn't Isabella ever get any credit? Is it sexism? Or did William the Conquerer hire a superhot PR firm? Feel free to write to magazine@nytimes.com and back me up. In the meantime, I'll try to cheer myself up with a humorous history book.

Maybe it should be named "1066 and All That Sexism"!

Thursday Book Club: Isabella the She-Wolf

2007-10-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

I'm going to interrupt my series of posts on the six wives of Henry VIII, or "King Henry teh 8" as he is known to Googlers. I must write about Queen Isabella, because the necklaces I named for her have just been finished.

Isabella, a daughter of Philip the Fair of France, was born in 1292. She has become known as "Isabella, the She-Wolf of France." Shakespeare invented the She-Wolf title for Margaret of Anjou, but in the 18th century an English poet used it for Isabella and she's been stuck with it ever since. I feel the sobriquet is unfair, yet I couldn't resist the image. I'd seen necklaces where a wolf etched into a wolf's claw. I thought a fang was sexier. A big giant fang that didn't have to be pried from a real wolf (they hate that)! So with apologies to the queen, I present the Isabella Wolf-Fang Necklace in 18K gold.

Isabella Necklace © Gigi Caron Ltd. 2007
Photo by SquareMoose

Besides She-Wolf, Isabella has been called (by men, of course) a Jezebel, a harridan, "unnatural," "evil," "inconstant," yada yada yada, for betraying her supposedly saintly husband.

Isabella got into this mess when she married King Edward II of England. While the couple had four children, Edward was notorious for directing most of his romantic energy, much of the treasury and a big chunk of English land to his male favorites. Isabella remained faithful through years of neglect, abuse and outright abandonment. She eventually became convinced that her husband planned to murder her. At that point, she wangled a trip back home to France to visit her brother, King Charles IV.

Charles IV greets Isabella:
"My, what a big, pointy hat you have!"
Image from Hereford-Heritage.com

Ah, Paris. It's so romantic. Isabella fell for Roger Mortimer, a disgruntled Welsh noble (and one of the few people ever to escape from the Tower of London). The relationship was hot and heavy and all the other nobles were walking around thinking, "Get a room, please!" Okay, I made that up. But it is true that the relationship was obvious. It was also scandalous because kings get a free pass on adultery and queens do not. The sexy couple became the Rogerbella of the French court. At home in England, Edward, egged on by his man-friend, Hugh le Despenser, refused to cooperate with Parliament. The fact that he had lost expensive and humiliating battles with England's longtime enemy, Scotland, didn't do much for his popularity either (Braveheart is about the earlier days of that ongoing war.). Civil war threatened.

Voila! The Isabella Necklace is available in silver.
Isabella Necklace © Gigi Caron Ltd. 2007
Photos by SquareMoose

Rogerbella ultimately led an invasion of England, overthrew and jailed Edward, and set themselves up as regents for Isabella's son (another Edward). They executed Hugh le Despenser in a perfectly acceptable 14th century way: they dragged him through the streets, stripped him, hanged him, cut him down before he died, chopped off his penis and testicles, threw his manhood in a fire, cut him open, threw his heart and entrails in the fire, and cut him into four pieces. Then they had a party. Good times! Here's a delightful rendering of the event.

Via Wikipedia
Hugh le Despenser was the son AND the father of men named Hugh le Despenser. Confusing!

This was considered appropriate justice as well as quality entertainment, and the populace loved Rogerbella. But, as Lord Acton said centuries later, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Roger became as greedy and murderous as Despenser, if not worse, and Isabella deferred to him. When the imprisoned Edward II died, the rumors flew that he was murdered (and years later, the story was embellished to an unseemly murder with a red-hot poker). With his death, Edward's reputation improved and Rogerbella's declined, until the latter were overthrown by Isabella's son in 1330. Roger was dragged through the streets, stripped and hanged. Legend says Edward III locked his mother up until she lost her sanity, but in reality he was a doting son. Blaming everything on her bad boyfriend, Edward graciously kept Isabella in the lifestyle to which she'd become accustomed. She had plenty of palaces, visitors, clothes and, most importantly, jewels until she died in her 60s. Her son threw her a wonderful funeral.

If you've gotten to this point in the post, you're probably thinking there is nothing more to say about Isabella. Wrong! There is so much more ... more books, films and television series than I can list here. These are just a few reading recommendations:

Queen Isabella: Treachery, Adultery, and Murder in Medieval England by Alison Weir. This non-fiction book is fascinating. There are colorful quotes from the important players, including the hilariously self-pitying letters that Edward sent in the medieval equivalent of a blast email as he tried to lure Isabella back from France. I was convinced by Weir's arguments against the iconic murder-by-poker story. I am not persuaded by Weir's theory that Edward could have escaped and lived out the rest of his life as a humble monk in Europe. Edward had many good qualities that I couldn't fit in this post. You'll learn about them here.
I love Isabel the Fair by Margaret Campbell Barnes. The novel is sympathetic to Isabella. Historical fiction is ruined for me when the author tries to make the protagonist lovable when the real person was no saint, but this book gets inside her head without losing touch with reality.
The Traitor's Wife by Susan Higginbotham was a great idea that didn't work for me. Eleanor de Clare is the wife of the title and she thinks Hugh le Despenser is the perfect husband and father. Yes, it is possible for the wicked to come home from a hard day of torturing people and roll around on the floor with the kids. But I felt this book was too kind to a man whose misbehavior is well-documented. He even stole land from his wife's family. When Eleanor spies on Isabella (as she did in real life), it's justified because Isabella is a shrew who deserves it. Humph. On the plus side: homoeroticism!
The Accursed Kings by Maurice Druon is a series of seven books. It is very difficult to buy a complete set in English but I got one on eBay. The books start with the reign of Isabella's father, Philip IV, and continue through John II. The fifth book is "The She-Wolf of France," but Isabella appears as a major troublemaker from the start of the series. Ironically, she exposes her sisters-in-law's adultery, which later has a major impact on the succession. A lot of the action is set in motion by a nobleman, Robert of Artois, who thinks he was cheated out of his inheritance. The books abound with torture and poisonings. Even I was disgusted! You'll have new appreciation for your own family after reading about these lunatics.
I haven't read The Greatest Traitor, a biography of Roger Mortimer by Ian Mortimer. It's gotten great reviews, and I will definitely read it in the near future, after I finish dealing with some Chinese empresses. Teh interweb tells me that the author is a descendant of Roger Mortimer ... and also that he is not. I will have to get the book to find out.

There will be a test on this next week. Please bring a No. 2 pencil.

Obsessions. Some Old, Some New.

2007-10-03T00:35:00.000-07:00

1. Actor Sam Waterston's eyebrows. I think the long-time Law & Order cast member deserves three Emmys: one for him and one for each eyebrow. I always feel like the brows are acting out little plots of their own. No other eyebrows are so special. Admittedly, some people would vote for Martin Scorsese's. While I'm a huge fan of Goodfellas, his eyebrows don't do it for me. Sorry, Marty.

I am hypnotized by these brows.

2. Mothra. He/she/it has vast, mighty wings; heroically died protecting an egg from Godzilla; and is known to frequent the fashion blogosphere. Interesting factoid: Mothra can't wear hats due to the antennae issue.

"Leggo my eggo, bitch!"

3. Coco. What's not to love? In addition to her ample talents, she's the beloved of Ice-T, another one of my Law & Order-related obsessions. I like how Ice-T scares confessions out of TV villains and that he loves Coco so much that he included her in the cover art for his CD. Check out that album art. The word that comes to mind is "elegant," no? Okay, that's not the word. I wonder if Coco and Ice-T are the people who found my blog by Googling "ass jewelry"! Mr. and Mrs. T, please call me! We'll do a custom design.

When Coco turns the other cheek, a bitch can get hurt. Stand back, y'all!

4. My old standby obsession: fish feet. Christian Louboutin! Please send me these shoes! Size 6.5. But it's kind of hard to predict what will fit me. Hmm. You'd better send sizes 6 through 7. In my fantasies, I get these shoes, go out with a camera and make strangers on the street pose with me while they point to my shoes with exaggerated expressions of horror. Then I post all the pictures here. What?! Don't give me that look! I bet you have pervy fantasies too! Jesus! At least I don't write slashfic!

The day I get these, I will dance on tabletops all over New York.

5. Latex, PVC and patent leather. My most recent latex post is here. Below are the latest shiny things to catch my magpie-like eye. In the first picture, either Vivienne Westwood did awesome pink latex leggings or this model had a bad calamine lotion accident. Thanks to Sleep Deprivation for pointing it out.

Photo from Style.com

Next, Agga B's tulip-shaped skirt, via Kingdom of Style. On the Agga B site, check out Editorial 01, Page 02. The purple/yellow/pink dress reminds me of this Ossie Clark dress.

Photos from Agga B

6. Korea. I once went Seoul with my friend Deb. We had some exciting experiences, including getting belched at (Deb) and pinched by old ladies (me). I have no idea why this trip led to a decade-long obsession. It has also led to an annoying habit of making American-born acquaintances of Korean descent (none of whom have been to Korea) talk for hours about Korea. I'm sorry, Mike. I just can't seem to help myself. In my defense, I recently delighted a tourist from Seoul by saying "thank you" in Korean while giving him directions to the Empire State Building. I know HE should have thanked ME, but I don't know how to say "you're welcome." If any of you peeps go to Seoul, watch out for old ladies who wear matching outfits and run around in packs.

Below is a photo of me on the border of North and South Korea back in 1990-something. The handsome army dude is thinking, "Why do I always have to pose with the crazy ones?" The guy in back of us is a spy. Kidding! He's looking for the Empire State Building. I told him to take the Lex! Pay attention next time.

Have you ever seen anyone more thrilled to visit a demilitarized zone?

The Ones That Got Away

2007-09-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

It seems fish feet are everywhere, yet I cannot procure the fish feet of my dreams. The Manolo discovered these fish flip-flops (fish-flops?) via Unknown Highway.

Maybe they'd be better as high-heel fish-flops

My search for the Christian Louboutin fish shoes continues. Behind Big Glasses is trying to divert me with elephant feet. Nice try, Big Glasses! I will never give up my fishy quest.

Killer Comedy, Coat and Queen

2007-09-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was lucky enough to catch part of 9 to 5 on TV. You must see this kick-ass feminist comedy about three assistants (Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, and Dolly Parton) who take revenge on their chauvinist boss (Dabney Coleman).

Dolly looks unbelievable in her clingy knit dresses and baby blue trench coat. I was looking for a picture of the coat when I came upon this clip, which to my joy has a poison ring in it. I had completely forgotten about the poison ring!

Please note that all my poison rings are designed for entertainment purposes only, not homicide! You must be law-abiding to wear my jewelry. That said, allow me to introduce you to my latest merry murderess, Queen Edburga (also spelled Eadburh). This Anglo-Saxon queen was an enthusiastic poisoner of her husband's enemies, but when she accidentally offed her husband she had to hightail it out of town. She wound up in the court of Charlemagne, who was quite taken with her. He offered her a choice for her next spouse: himself or his son. She picked the son. Wrong answer! Charlemagne said, "Had you chosen me, you would have had both of us. But, since you chose him, you shall have neither." And life went downhill from there for the incorrigible Edburga, but I suspect that she had some good times along the way.

My Edburga rings are made with blackened sterling silver and 18K gold.

Edburga Ring in rose quartz, shown closed

Price available upon request. Email me at wbjewelry (at) gmail dot com!

To return to my original topic, I was never able to find a good shot of Dolly Parton in the incredible coat (not only was it baby blue, but I thought maybe, just maybe, it was patent leather). This pink vintage trench from Posh Vintage is the next best thing.

Coat available for $115 at Posh Vintage

Consolation Prize

2007-09-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

My obsession: the beauteous Christian Louboutin Pesce shoes.

During my never-ending quest for fish feet, I found a young-adult book about a boy who wants to be a ballet dancer. I also found a female science blogger (you go, girl!).

But alas, no fish shoes in my size.

My gorgeous sister, Terri Berry, came up with a consolation prize, saying, "If you can't get the fish shoes, maybe you can at least get a fish hamper."

It's not every day you come across home decor that's as tasteful as this. This, my friends, is a true work of art. Just imagine stuffing your dirty latex leggings down the fish's gullet. I defy you to tell me that that wouldn't class up the joint. As Keats wrote, "A thing of beauty is a joy for ever." If you need more joy in your life (and who doesn't?) this stunning hamper is available here. Please...don't thank me all at once!

UPDATED TO ADD: Thanks to gorgeous soon-to-be client (ahem! right?) Jane for pointing out these brilliant six-inch goldfish stilettos. Hot! I love that whole Pimpdaddy website. I was wondering where the pimps shopped and now I know!

Thursday Book Club: More Anne Boleyn

2007-09-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

There are many, many Anne Boleyn books to read. I'll give you a few more in this post. I've already posted my favorite ones here:

First, some jewelry comments for those who haven't read the other Anne Boleyn entries or who have questions about the Boleyn initial necklace seen in the portrait below.

Anne Boleyn wearing her initial pendant

The portrait is the most famous image of Anne. The necklace worn by actress America Ferrera in the TV show Ugly Betty is a reproduction of the Boleyn necklace.

"Ugly Betty" wearing a reproduction of the Boleyn necklace

The reproduction necklace was made by Parrish Relics and is available here (in any letter) for $192. If you're inexplicably interested in paying more money for the exact same product, you can buy the necklace from ABC for $250.

In my opinion, the best thing to do would be to pass on both of those options and start saving your pennies to buy my diamond and 18K gold interpretation of the necklace. My version isn't a literal interpretation of the necklace from the portrait because I was striving for a more graceful effect. The original is kind of clumsy-looking, don't you think?

The first time I wore my Boleyn pendant was to a movie premiere of ... Marie Antoinette. Well, they were both beheaded. Close enough. I'm wearing a vintage Herve Leger dress with it.

Now for my remaining book suggestions. These are all historical fiction.

The Concubine by Norah Lofts. This is my favorite of this list. It is told from multiple viewpoints, including those of Anne, Henry VIII, Katherine of Aragon and Anne's maid. I find the novels that use multiple narrators are often the most effective since they limit a writer's urge to turn a single protagonist into a fine, upstanding citizen no matter what unsympathetic acts that person might have committed in real life. I always find books that hew to reality much more interesting than a whitewash.
The Queen of Subtleties by Suzannah Dunn similarly uses Anne and Lucy Cornwallis, the king's confectioner, to tell the story. While Anne comes to life vividly, the character of Lucy never worked for me. I was irritated by her chapters.
Like The Other Boleyn Girl, The Last Boleyn by Karen Harper views Anne through her sister Mary's eyes. The Other Boleyn Girl is the superior book.
The Secret Diary of Anne Boleyn by Robin Maxwell has its moments, but in general I dislike the "hidden diary" concept. As I said before, I find it distracting to have to consider whether this "diary" could have been safely hidden in a potted plant or up someone's ass a la Christopher Walken's character in Pulp Fiction. (A quote from Pulp Fiction: "The way your Dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes were gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid with uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.")
Brief Gaudy Hour by Margaret C. Barnes. The role of the observant servant is played by Simonette, the French governess, but fortunately she doesn't dominate the book.
A Lady Raised High by Laurien Gardner. And the role of the "simple, plain country girl" is played by one Frances Pierce. Much of the book concerns the Frances character's romance, which was of very little interest to me.
The Lady in the Tower by Jean Plaidy. Plaidy also wrote Murder Most Royal, about Anne and her cousin Katherine Howard, who became Henry's fifth wife (but "only" the second beheaded wife).

Photo I took of the "blue garden" at Hever, Anne's childhood home. This garden of blue and purple flowers is a recent though beautiful addition. It didn't exist in Anne's time.

If you're a real Anne fan, you'll want to read the sexy letters Henry sent to her during their courtship. (He may not have reached home plate for about seven years, but he definitely got a base hit, to speak anachronistically.)

Finally, there's a persistent myth that Anne had a sixth finger and/or a disfiguring goiter on her neck. It's safe to say that is untrue. No eyewitness accounts mention any such physical characteristics, and people at the time pored over the appearance of kings and queens the way you study those hi-res upskirt shots of Britney Spears. Don't lie to me. I know you've done it. Also Henry had a horror of illness and physical deformity. While he became grossly obese with oozing sores in his later years, he wouldn't tolerate flaws in his women. He was the king! He didn't have to. Anne was dark-haired and olive-skinned, so she wasn't the ideal beauty at a time when the preference was for rosy-skinned blondes. She had great charisma, though, and alluring dark eyes, the latter causing the 16th century haters to refer to her as "the goggle-eyed whore." Yeah, they were just "jellus," as we say nowadays.

Here I am wearing my Boleyn necklace in the gardens of Hever. I highly recommend a visit.

Next week: Henry's third wife, Jane. Thank God no one has ever had much to say about her because Anne has worn me out!

Butt Bows Iz Back in Fashun

2007-09-25T01:11:00.000-07:00

I like lolcats. I like PostSecret. Therefore, I like lolsecretz. Here's a lolWendy for you.

That's a vintage Guy Laroche gown. I would guess '80s, wouldn't you?

Almost the Craziest Celeb Story Ever

2007-09-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I checked People.com and got the fright of my life, or at least the fright of that minute of my life. There was a story saying George Clooney had been injured in a motorcycle accident and directly under it, a story saying Britney Spears was charged in a hit-and-run. I thought, "Holy shizz! Britney ran over George!" Wouldn't that have been incredible? However, the two stories were unrelated. I should have grabbed a screen shot, but since I didn't, I will repost this picture of Britney Spears wearing my Borgia poison ring during a topless lesbian pool romp, because it is impossible to say "topless lesbian pool romp" too often.

I'm afraid I'm not a big fan of motorcycles ever since I saw a terrible accident involving one. Luckily everyone survived this latest incident. Get well soon, George Clooney and lady friend!

The Footwear Creeps in on Little Mouse Feet

2007-09-20T15:56:00.000-07:00

Fasshonburu pointed out these mouse shoes by the late Marc Jacobs (he's not really dead, just late, so please stop crying). I asked myself, "Self, would mouse feet make you happy?" But upon serious reflection, I realized that only fish feet will do. Alas.

"Jaws Platform Pumps" aren't going to appease me either. Fish or nothing!

UPDATED TO ADD: I almost had heart failure just now when I clicked on the fish feet link on Bluefly and saw the shoes were IN STOCK! But it turned out to be only in size 8, and I'm a 6.5 or so. Quelle horreur!

Thursday Book Club: Anne Boleyn, Continued

2007-09-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

My interpretation of Anne Boleyn's famous initial pendant
(Boleyn Necklace © Gigi Caron Ltd. 2007)
(Photo by John Muggenborg)

I'm continuing last week's post on Anne Boleyn, the second wife of Henry VIII of England, or "Henry teh 8" as I will now call him thanks to whoever hit my blog with that search term. In case you've forgotten (or never known), Anne is the first "beheaded" in the mnemonic for Henry's six wives: "Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived."

One of the comments on my last post reminded me I didn't tell my most personal Anne Boleyn story ... the story that thanks to 20/20 hindsight predicts my career as a jewelry designer/royal biography reader! When I was eight or nine years old, my parents went to London and came back with books for me. I was fascinated by the spooky-looking old paintings, especially one of a dark-haired lady with a "B" necklace. It always stayed in my mind that someday I'd make a "B for Brandes" necklace for myself. And lo and behold it finally happened! So, you see, I have a connection with Anne from way back in the day.

Natalie Dormer as Anne Boleyn in The Tudors

She's wearing The Necklace, but I think mine is much nicer than the original design, which is a bit clunky.

Speaking of that moment, which seems like it was from another lifetime, my favorite fictional Anne Boleyn book is all about other lifetimes. Threads by Nell Gavin is narrated by the disembodied spirit form of Anne, who reviews her lives with Henry. Yes, multiple lives, because in this book, their courtship and marriage in the 1500s was only one of several lifetimes spent together. You don't have to believe in reincarnation or know much about Anne to enjoy this book. Normally, I would find the reincarnation theme to be a bit hokey, but it really worked for me here, primarily because it is not about some kind of perfect love throughout the centuries. Quite the opposite. It seems like Anne and Henry are going to keep finding each until they learn to be better people. It's very royal-history-meets-Hinduism and it works. I guarantee you will have tears in your eyes at the end.

I have many more Anne books to cover, but I'm very grumpy today and I don't want to take it out on Anne. She's suffered enough. I'll finish the Anne books next week and then we can move on to Jane Seymour, the queen who died a natural death.

Amusing Gift Ideas From Noted Co.

2007-09-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

Noted Co. wholesales fun little things to museums, gift shops and snazzy toy stores. I was very taken by the Japanese papercraft kits. All of the pieces have moving parts, which I love, but the darkly humorous names are even better. The fish and carving knife piece pictured is called "Doomed." Click here to find out where Noted products are sold. Holy mackeral! As I was about to post this, I realized this continues the fish theme of the previous post, which surely is a sign that Christian Louboutin is going to send me the Pesce shoes! Right? This fish is not doomed at all! It's a harbinger of great things to come.

Fish Feet. I Want Them.

2007-09-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

Christian Louboutin still hasn't sent me these delightful shoes despite my helpful hints on this blog. Now Shoewawa tortures me with this post. Bad Shoewawa!

How could anyone fail to see how perfect my life would be if only I had fish feet?

My previous fishy posts:

Thursday Book Club: Introduction to Anne Boleyn

2007-09-13T12:40:00.000-07:00

Anne Boleyn

Good lord! When I said I'd do a Thursday book post, I didn't realize Thursdays were going to start coming at me so fast and furiously! When did every day become Thursday? I feel like I just did Katherine of Aragon a minute ago.

Katherine was the first of the six wives of Henry VIII. Anne Boleyn was Henry's second wife and the most famous one. That's what you get when your husband has your head chopped off: lasting fame. Not much of a consolation for the head thing, is it? Henry was married to Katherine when Anne caught his eye. Generally, anything the king wanted was his for the taking, but Anne decided she wasn't going to become a king's mistress like her sister Mary Boleyn. She would be queen or nothing and she managed to fend Henry off for seven years while he tried to divorce Katherine. When the Pope wouldn't grant a divorce from Katherine, Henry started his own church which, not surprisingly, was more obliging.

My interpretation of the famous Boleyn initial pendant. You'll notice I didn't do a literal copy/museum reproduction like the necklace you see on "Ugly Betty."

Henry finally married Anne in 1533. Her coronation took place that year when she was pregnant with what turned out to be her only surviving child: Princess Elizabeth. Considering that Henry's main excuse for divorcing Katherine was his need for male heirs, this wasn't the best outcome for Anne. Anne was only queen for a thousand days before Henry had her executed.

Princess Elizabeth grew up to be Queen Elizabeth I

I always wonder why Anne, who cleverly manipulated Henry for so many years, fell apart after her wedding. Maybe it was the cumulative stress of those long years of maneuvering to be queen -- years during which she endured harsh criticism from the public and the court. Maybe it was panic over her failure to produce a son (Elizabeth was followed by several miscarriages.) Whatever the reason, Anne seemed not to realize that a royal wife's role needed to be played differently from a royal mistress's. When she was pregnant and Henry was ogling another lady in her entourage, for instance, she threw a most un-Katherine-like tantrum. "You would best close your eyes," Henry said ominously, "as your betters did before you."

Scarlett Johansson as Mary Boleyn and Natalie Portman as Anne on the set of the Other Boleyn Girl. Via Extracine

The ultimate Anne biography is The Life and Death of Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives. The most popular Anne fiction is The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory (soon to be a movie starring Natalie Portman as Anne). The story is told from the perspective of Anne's sister and Henry's ex-mistress, Mary Boleyn. I feel that book really gets Anne's psychology. However, there is also quite a bit of poetic license, including the portrayal of her brother George as gay/bisexual (not that there is anything wrong with that; it's just unlikely to be true) and the far more ... er ... "poetic" plot point of having George committing incest with Anne to give Henry an heir. An accusation of incest did figure prominently in sending both Anne and George to their deaths, but reasonable people have long dismissed the claims as trumped-up by Henry and his advisers, who were desperate to get rid of Wife #2 without the hassle of another long divorce battle.

As far as I know, the non-fiction book that created the "George is gay" theory was one by Retha Warnicke. I was amused by a note in the preface about an unfortunate (for the author) "great minds think alike" moment: "While I was engaged in investigating the life and person of Anne Boleyn, Henry VIII's second queen, Professor E. W. Ives' monumental biography of her was published and its appearance would seem to call for a justification of this book." In other words, there was no need for this book unless it offered a big surprise. History is always open to reinterpretation, so I don't fault the author for making the most of a theory. That doesn't mean I'm convinced!

There's still a lot to say about Anne Boleyn and many books to recommend. I will save that for my next book post. In the meantime, you can enjoy Thomas Wyatt's beautiful poem about the elusive Anne Boleyn.

If Messed-Up Britney Makes You Happy...

2007-09-12T14:17:00.001-07:00

... maybe you're a bit messed up too. So says this this Salon article (via Jezebel) on Britney Spears's catastrophe at the VMAs.

I appreciated Salon writer Rebecca Traister's piece in general, but particularly her comment on the "fat" criticism of Britney. I think that all the heat she's gotten on her weight has been very sexist. Her performance was poor, her outfit unflattering, but she did not look fat except according to the eating-disorder-encouraging eye that we cast on celebrities (and once they have an eating disorder, we criticize them for that). Plus, it's absurd because her weight is not problem #1!

Britney is a big "fan" of my work!
Photo from OK! Magazine

I also thought Traister nicely summed up the awful upbringing that made Britney what she is. All stage mothers and fathers should take note before living out their dreams through their children.

And this was the best line: "a gross example of exactly how much malicious satisfaction we get out of the embarrassing weakness of an addictive, postpartum, out-of-control mess of a human being."

Traister's advice to Britney boils down to "just say no," but honestly, I think the girl is too wrecked to help herself. I hope something changes that, but since she's been pimped out full-time since she was a child, when would she have learned anything that would save her?

I reiterate my "Shame on you!" to MTV. And I'll say another "Shame!" to fame whore magician Criss Angel just for the hell of it.

If Messed-Up Britney Makes You Happy...

2007-09-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

Britney is a big "fan" of my work!
Photo from OK! Magazine

Save Britney Spears!

2007-09-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

Britney swimming with my Borgia ring.

Britney Spears, my favorite jewelry thief, had a rough time at the VMAs last night. But America loves a comeback, and I sincerely hope she will get her act together. I know people are saying she's over but if Richard Nixon can make a comeback, anyone can. Honestly, I didn't think Britney was the low point of the evening. I'm not going to name names because I still want all the tone-deaf singers and unfunny comedians to steal my jewelry and put me on the cover of OK! Magazine.

I will nominate Criss Angel for "fame whore of the year." I believe it's an Emmy category now. And I don't care if he never steals my jewelry. I wouldn't even let him buy it. Okay, I would let him buy it. Who am I kidding? But still, shame on you, Criss Angel! And on MTV, for using a troubled young woman to try to boost their ratings. Here's a plan for better ratings: produce a better show!

Maid in Manhattan?

2007-09-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

I haven't worn gloves for years. I prefer to stuff my hands in my pockets and complain about the cold weather. But when I found these woolly fingerless gloves in Bergen, Norway, this summer, I was in love.

Then, two days ago, I was on Madison Avenue and walked by Sermoneta Gloves. The brightly colored gloves in the window lured me inside, where I was entranced by the ladies who tell you your size just by glancing at your hands and the cushioned counters (so you can rest your elbow on the counter while one of the ladies pulls a glove over your hand). I was unable to resist a pair of soft, elbow-length, yellow gloves. I was very pleased until I took a picture of them:

Now I'm worried they look too much like these rubber dishwashing gloves!

What do you think? Will they look better when I'm wearing a winter coat and they're in context? Should I exchange them for another color? Should I stick with the fingerless gloves and pockets?

For lolcats fans, here's the lolcats version of my gloves:

No matter what, the store is beautiful, so if you're in New York you should go check it out.

Thursday Book Club: Katherine of Aragon

2007-09-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

Okay! Back to Henry VIII and his six wives. Let's begin at the beginning with wife #1: Katherine of Aragon (sometimes spelled "Catherine").

Katherine of Aragon in her later years, via NPG London via TudorHistory.org

Katherine was the youngest daughter of Isabella and Ferdinand of Spain, and sister to Juana la Loca. She married England's heir apparent, Arthur, in 1501. When sickly Arthur died shortly after the marriage, Katherine lived in a kind of limbo for years. She became engaged to the new heir, Prince Henry, but by the time the prince was old enough to marry, Henry's father was no longer so keen on an alliance with Spain. Thus, Katherine was unable to marry Henry and unable to return home. Finally, in 1509 Henry VII died and his son, Henry VIII, married Katherine.

Henry was devoted to Katherine for a long time (he had very few mistresses for a king) despite the fact that a number of pregnancies resulted in only one child who lived past infancy: Princess Mary. But Katherine was six years older than Henry and there came a time when he felt she looked old and unattractive, plus she was clearly past child-bearing years. Mistress Anne Boleyn caught his eye, and he started dreaming about a new marriage to a younger woman who would produce a bunch of boys. His efforts to divorce Katherine led to England's split from the Roman Catholic Church.

Anne Boleyn, the other woman

Henry's argument for divorce was that Katherine had slept with his brother and God was punishing that sin by depriving him of heirs. Katherine claimed Arthur had been too ill and young to consummate the brief marriage and swore that she was a virgin when she married Henry. Katherine had many supporters; she was devout and dignified and certainly stuck to her principles. The Constant Princess by Philippa Gregory (author of The Other Boleyn Girl) is a historical novel that proposes that Katherine could have told a Big Lie about her relationship with Arthur. I was intrigued by this premise. It makes Katherine seem more savvy and complicated than the virgin story does. The book takes you through her life up until her appearance in court for a hearing on the divorce.

The coronation of Henry and Katherine via Cambridge University Library via TudorHistory.org

Prolific historical fiction writer Jean Plaidy wrote three novels on Katherine of Aragon, which are now available in one volume. Some of Plaidy's writing can be stilted, but the Aragon series really brings the characters to life.

Other reading suggestions include The Spanish Bride by Laurien Gardner and The Divorce of Catherine of Aragon by J.A. Froude.

Katherine held out against Henry till the day she died, refusing to accept the divorce or any title besides queen, and holding fast to the Roman church. Henry punished her by housing her in drafty, uncomfortable palaces and separating her from her daughter and attendants. These experiences ruined the physical and emotional health of her daughter Mary, whose reign was a failure as a result. Might it have been better for Katherine to compromise for the sake of her daughter? You can tell me what you think after you read the books.

Feminism Reaches the Tower of London

2007-09-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

Photograph: Cathal McNaughton/PA via Guardian Unlimited

Moira Cameron, a 38-year-old Scottish woman, became the first woman Beefeater today. This makes me happy, not only because I love ground-breaking women, but also because the Yeoman Warders ("Beefeater" is a nickname for the Yeoman Warders) protect the crown jewels. And you know how I feel about jewels! As for the Tower of London, some people think of it only as a prison where Anne Boleyn was beheaded, but it also served as living quarters for royalty. In fact, Anne Boleyn was housed in the Tower of London as an honor before her coronation ... only to return there under dire circumstances just three years later.

Believe it or not, I have a photo of my Xenobia ring visiting the Tower of London. The ring was ordered by my gorgeous client Angela after I'd already left for London, so she asked me to show it the sights.

If you go visit the Tower, don't mess with the ravens! They're as big as Thanksgiving turkeys and they bite!

Thursday Book Club: Kristin Lavransdatter

2007-08-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

I had intended to continue with the wives of Henry VIII today, but I wanted to re-read a book about Catherine of Aragon. So, instead, I present to you Kristin Lavrandatter by Nobel prize-winning Norwegian author Sigrid Undset, a master of historical fiction.

I visited Norway in July. I'd been pining for the fjords for many years. I wasn't disappointed. The countryside is beautiful.

Waterfall in Norway

The fjords are beautiful.

This photo has it all. Fjord, July snow, waterfall.

The fashion bloggers are beautiful.

Agathe and Kristoffer, hand-in-hand. How romantic!

The wildlife is beautiful too. Well, maybe not this fellow.

I befriended a shabby old moose head on a rainy day in Bergen. I'm modeling my new Norwegian winter hat. The moose doesn't seem impressed, does he?

While absorbing all this beauty, I read Kristin Lavransdatter, Undset's epic about a woman in 14th century Norway. It's a trilogy that runs more than a thousand pages long; make sure you get the translation by Tiina Nunnally. Kristin is seduced by Erlend Nikulausson while engaged to another man. Ultimately, Kristin and Erlend marry, but their relationship remains turbulent -- reflecting an era which saw constant tension between Christianity and traditional superstition, moral ideals and real human behavior. I confess there were times when I was frustrated by Kristin. She can be so self-destructive. She will have an epiphany but revert to her old behavior. She ruins her present by brooding over past wrongs both committed and inflicted, and she is unable to forgive either herself or others. She obsesses over her "sins" till even her priest tells her such self-absorption is not penance but vanity.

Liv Ullmann directed a movie version of Kristin Lavransdatter, released in 1995.

But at the end, when Kristin is dying of the Black Death (I know this plot disclosure will not change your appreciation of the book and you'd learn it in the foreword anyway), there is a beautiful passage that made me realize what the book was about. I then went back and reread nearly the whole book. This time I saw how realistic the character was. In many books, there's a storyline that gives artificial shape to the lives and personalities of the characters. But that's not how life is. Like all of us, Kristin sometimes does better and sometimes does worse. She resolves to improve and fails, but then she makes progress that she can be truly proud of. Her character evolves over time in a way that's very true. And here is the passage that I found so affecting. It relates her thoughts as she lies ill, looking at her wedding ring:

"The life to which this ring had married her, over which she had complained and grumbled, raged and rebelled. And yet she had loved it so, rejoicing over it, with both the bad and the good, so that there was not a single day she would have given back to God without lament or a single sorrow she would have relinquished without regret."

My advice: take your time reading this book in order to get the most out of it. Basically, don't forget to stop and smell the roses, in a literary way.

Roses in Oslo

You can also stop to pinch the roses, in a literal way.

Why am I pinching a rose? Well, why not?!

Another Shot of the Britney Ring, Y'all!

2007-08-29T23:30:00.001-07:00

It took me a while, but I've scanned the OK! Magazine cover as promised. Click the photo to enlarge and you'll see that my Borgia ring is taking part in a topless, Sapphic pool romp via Britney Spears's right hand (and boob).

Scan of OK! Magazine cover

Here's the closeup:

In case you don't recall, last month Britney stormed off the set of an OK! photoshoot with assorted items that did not belong to her, including my Borgia ring. She stole my ring, y'all! OK! paid for it, so it all ended well, and now I get to see my ring turn up in compromising positions. Click here to see the first picture OK! ran of Britney and the ring.

Another Picture of the Britney Spears Ring, Y'all!

2007-08-29T23:30:00.000-07:00

Scan of OK! Magazine cover

No Good Fish Goes Anywhere Without a Porpoise

2007-08-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

Fasshonaburu brought this fishy Tory Burch skirt to my attention.

And here we have a fish watch.

Great Gear News posted about this fishy design.

But alas, I am still unable to procure my life's true desire: fish feet.

As God is my witness, I shall not rest till I have little carp teeth encircling my toes!

Something's Fishy

2007-08-23T17:09:00.000-07:00

I like fish but I'm a little terrified by these bags...or their handles, to be precise. Vivre suggests that I make this my "signature bag." I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass on that. However, I still hope I will find the crazy Louboutin fish shoes marked way down to about $100 or so. I would definitely spend $100 to have hilarious fish feet. But not $1000.

Thursday Book Club: The Six Wives of Henry VIII

2007-08-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering whether I should start working on the six wives of Henry VIII. There are scores of books about the ladies in question and Henry himself. Then there are Henry's children too. This could take months! But I've decided it's not going to get easier if I wait, so here we go. Before you take on all the queens, it's best to know something about Henry. That's his handsome mug at the top of this post. Below is his canine namesake, my pooch Henry.

Do you see the resemblance? No? Come on! They are both portly, red-haired gluttons with peevish expressions.

Anyway, there were originally two books called "The Six Wives of Henry VIII" -- one by Antonia Fraser and one by Alison Weir -- but seems Fraser's title has been changed to "The Wives of Henry VIII." I've read both books and it's very difficult to recommend one over the other, though I prefer Fraser. Weir's "Henry VIII: The King and His Court," which I haven't read, seems to cover a lot of the same territory. (Both Fraser and Weir are alarmingly prolific historians.)

If you're interested in historical fiction, Margaret George's "The Autobiography of Henry VIII: With Notes by His Fool, Will Somers" is amusing and relatively sympathetic towards Henry (He couldn't help himself! He had bad parenting!). Though after reading a lot of historical fiction, titles that include "autobiography" and "secret diaries" make me want to fall down laughing. Can't anyone just write a novel? Does it always have to be a "journal" that was hidden in a planter or down a jester's pants? Jebus! When it comes to George, I infinitely prefer her Mary Queen of Scots book, but that is a post for the Mary Queen of Scots week. There are many more Henry books you could read, but you're going to get PLENTY of Henry as you read about the six wives (and three children), so these should suffice for now.
(Henry VIII picture from artchive)

BritneyWatch, Continued

2007-08-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

If you can still get the issue of OK! Magazine with Britney Spears and her assistant on the cover...look closely! I'm 99.9% sure that's my Borgia ring on her finger. You know, lots of jewelers get their work on the red carpet. But how many get theirs photographed in a topless, Sapphic pool romp? It's a much smaller group. Trust. Photo coming later this week! I'm having a computer ish.

Thursday Book Club: Pope Joan

2007-08-16T00:21:00.000-07:00

It wasn't my intention to recommend books that I haven't read myself but in honor of one of my newest jewelry designs, I'll do it. As I said in this post, according to legend, Pope Joan disguised herself as a man and led the Church for a brief time in the 850s. I did read the historical novel Pope Joan by Donna Cross, which starkly illustrates how brutal life was for a woman in the Dark Ages (especially chilling since it is no different in some societies today). I haven't read a non-fiction book yet, but I'll probably get The Myth of Pope Joan, which dismisses the idea that Joan was real but explores what purposes the myth of Joan might have served. I'm intrigued by a comic, fictional take on the female pope, and I will definitely get this book on myths of the Middle Ages. Finally, if you need something to hang above your living room couch, a poster print of Pope Joan Is Condemned to the Jaws of Hell for Fornication will certainly be a conversation piece as well as a deterrent for house guests who tend to overstay their welcome.

Calling All Designing Womyns!

2007-08-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

Catwalkqueen found this "customize our t-shirt" contest run by Fawcett, a U.K. group campaigning for gender equality. I usually confine slogan t-shirts to the gym, but if someone made me a sex-ay tank out of one of these, I'd wear it all around town! For those who don't know, Merriam-Webster defines feminism as "the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes." How can you argue with that? "Oh, I don't want to make more money and I don't want to vote"? WTF? Feminism doesn't mean you can't have kids or can't wear lipstick or whatever bullshizz makes people so damn nervous. So, womyns (kidding, women), put on your highest heels (or most comfortable Birkenstocks) and declare yourself a proud feminist! And there's no reason men can't declare themselves too. (Photo from Fawcett.)

Thursday Book Club: Heloise and Abelard

2007-08-09T12:45:00.000-07:00

Just to throw you off, I'll start the book posts not with queens, but with two "star-cross'd lovers," as Shakespeare would later write about Romeo and Juliet. In the 12th century, Peter Abelard was considered one of the greatest philosophers in all of Europe. Heloise was his star student. He was supposed to be celibate and she was supposed to remain a virgin. One thing led to another, though: they fell in love, she got pregnant, they secretly married, she denied the marriage to protect his career, her angry uncle castrated Abelard...you know, the usual story. Abelard and Heloise left behind a series of letters, including Heloise's beautiful and impassioned notes to Abelard (and Abelard's whiny account of all his misfortunes). I read about the tragic couple in a rather backwards way, starting with a novel, proceeding to a biography and finally reading the original letters. But it often happens that I read a novel and then want to know the real story. So here are my book recommendations in the order I read them:

1) Stealing Heaven by Marion Meade
2) Heloise and Abelard by James Burge (including recently discovered lost love letters)
3) The Letters of Abelard and Heloise

Heloise named their son Astrolabe, further evidence of her scientific mind and willingness to buck convention. Interestingly, there is a historical mystery coming out that features Astrolabe. You can pre-order on Amazon.

A book wasn't my introduction to Heloise and Abelard. My first knowledge of them came from seeing their beautiful tomb at Pere-Lachaise Cemetary in Paris (the eternal home of Jim Morrison, Oscar Wilde, Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas, Frederic Chopin and many other notables). I highly recommend a trip there.

(Photo of tomb via Wikipedia)

Wendy's Book Club: Introduction

2007-08-06T18:45:00.000-07:00

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "There is no history, only biography." I agree. Most of the books I read are either biographies or historical fiction about queens and other intriguing women. My main jewelry collection is called Vivat Regina (Latin for "God Save the Queen.") Each Vivat Regina piece is named for a different queen, and if you check out the collection on my website, you'll see there's a mini biography for each piece -- beautiful AND educational, no? I try to read at least two books about each queen before I create her piece. I'll post my book recommendations every Thursday...or whenever I remember. (Portrait of Anne Boleyn from EnglishHistory.net.)

The Answer Is No

2007-08-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

Someone got to my Gigi Caron site by Googling: "I have a broken tooth can I pull it myself." In case that person did not find the answer s/he wanted on a jewelry site, I will reply here: "Are you insane? Go to a dentist." I wonder if it was Britney Spears. That kind of dentistry sounds a little "country," as she would say.

Britney and the Ring

2007-07-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

I finally dragged out the scanner, so here's the picture from OK of Britney scampering off while wearing my Borgia ring, as well as a close-up of the ring. I'm not too keen on those tighty-whities she's wearing, but I suppose they're better than nothing.

Britney Spears stole my ring, y'all!

2007-07-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

Run out and get the Britney's Meltdown issue of OK! Magazine. Ms. Brit-Brit is wearing my Borgia ring on page 46. She helped herself to that ring and quite a few other items during the shoot. It's always nice when someone appreciates my designs but I generally don't like to offer customers a five-finger discount. OK is supposed to make good on everything....